alone in the wild

so as i embarked on my newfound freedom, i realized that i must endure (and overcome) longtime fears i had kept deep inside me. what fears you ask? fear of bugs.

now i am a self proclaimed 'girly-girl' which simply put means i like make-up, purses (expensive ones, okay - coach ones if you MUST know), nail polish and many other girly things. the thing i loathe most, however is... BUGS!

being on my own, i had to overcome this fear that consumed me. so on one of my early nights solo in my new apartment, i came face to face with the dreaded beast.

i had matilda in tow and we had just finished grocery shopping for the week. i've gotten pretty good at balancing multiple bags, my expensive purse AND my child all in one trip... until i saw him.

there before me sat a man with a body longer than anything i had ever seen.. legs equally as long, he had eight of them you know. he sat right outside my door almost taunting me to approach him. now i've always envisioned myself living in a building with a doorman, but i'd rather hoped for someone more like the guy from 'the jefferson's'.

i froze. dead in my tracks for i had never encountered such a fierce creature.. not on my own anyway. i pondered what to do. i had on open toed shoes so stepping on him wasn't an option. i decided to name him. naming him made him more like a pet. a pet you don't much like, but you have anyway... i called him herman. seemed like a strong, manly name and since he rivaled the size of 'herman munster' i figured it'd work.

herman didn't move from his post. i had no idea what to do but protect myself and my offspring. then the voices came to me. no not angels from heaven, two teen-aged girls from the apartment above me. they came gigging down the stairs and i knew they were my only hope.

i sucked up my pride, asked for help and one of them had the nerve to say, 'what spider?' as i directed her to herman, she screamed louder than even i did... i knew they were useless... then another voice beckoned from above. their mother. surely she would identify with my situation... being a mother myself, who needs to protect her child, surely she would come to my rescue.

she, the brave woman, was armed with a heavy bag of trash. which was our only means of attack. she walked over to herman, we all held our breath as she pummeled the bag onto his massive body. i watched in amazement as she twirled the bag around in cirlces almost guaranteeing death. she gave it one last good twist and slowly lifted the bag. our eyes grew wide at what lied beneath...

now after all that drama, i had expected to find a detached leg, a severed head, anything, but instead, he was intact, just curled up slightly more. he had met his maker. and i, sadly felt better and safer knowing he could no longer bother me.

i thanked my accomplices, who i'm certain think i'm crazy. we scooted past was was left of herman and i ushered matilda into our apartment, safe and sound.

as we fell asleep that evening, i could have sworn i heard taps being played by all the other wolf spiders in the neighborhood.