flight to freedom

my life changed, along with my marital status, this past tuesday. now, considering this whole thing began, technically last july, i was somewhat ready for this day to come. our divorce process took almost as long as brad and jen's and we had no where NEAR the assets they did... financial OR physical. but nonetheless, our day came.

now my anxiety level was in overload... and when i think of other times i felt this way i remember my fear of flying. for those of you who either have this fear or have witnessed my own, you know what i'm talking about.

i popped a xanax 45 min before d-time; much like i do when it's flight time. it has ample time to fully take effect so that i am functional, but yet carefree. a perfect union.

now i found that going to the courthouse is alot like going to the airport... parking is a nightmare, you walk thru a metal detector, scan your carry-on items and make your way to the terminal, er ah courtroom. the baliff can serve as the ticket taker, showing you to your seat; although in the courtroom setting the baliff can ask you to leave if you talk too much - thankfully for me they can't do that on a plane. the judge, of course, is the pilot. sitting in his special seat with his computer to ensure he doesn't get off track. i guess the court reporter can be the flight attendant although she never offered me a drink nor a bag of peanuts.

my flight companion, i.e. attorney, stayed in the cockpit most of the time, getting prepared for our big departure. which, in all actuality took a whole 5 minutes to get thru. i was amazed at the number of women who were there for the same reason i was... to file for divorce. WOMEN! i wasn't the only one. there were many of us. it surprised me for some reason to see that.

the first woman went in front of the 'pilot' and answered her questions as asked by her flight companion and i noticed she was crying the entire time. see, that's the whole reason for xanax. for me at least. and it worked for me. i wished i could've offered her my extra pill. oh well. maybe it was a final release for her.

my time came and i stood before the pilot, my atty on my left, my soon-to-be-ex-spouse on my right and his atty to his right. oddly, it was almost like our wedding day except instead of attendants, we had lawyers and instead of a priest we had a judge. odd how things work out that way... anywho... i answered my questions, perfectly if i might say so myself and it was his turn. now this is the moment i dreaded. he is a drama king and i almost expected one of those scenes you see on court-tv where the defendant goes berserk and the baliff takes them down like a pro wrestler... well nothing like that happened. sadly. but he did say something that will stick with me for a long time. when the pilot asked me if i was there to seek divorce i simply said 'yes.' he on the other hand, said 'yes PLEASE grant this divorce.' PLEASE? PLEASE!? like it's been torture for him to go thru this process... well he did counterfile on me for cruel treatment. maybe it was. anyway... it was over in about 5 minutes flat.

i went back to my seat and talked with my dad who showed up to support me and that's when the ticket taker asked us to be quiet. we did and then giggled quietly. i had no idea i would feel so alive after such a cruicial change took place. but i did.

to be honest, it still hasn't sunk in yet. i lie in bed sometimes reminding myself that i am officially a single woman. it's gonna take me a long time to realize that i don't have to worry what he'll say about things i do anymore. i no longer have to ask to buy something, i no longer have to justify my whereabouts at any hour of the day, i can go to lunch with friends and not worry about him grilling me over it for an hour when i get home. i no longer have to go thru the horrible justification of each and every atm i had in my wallet. no matter how much or how little it might be. i called the shots now. if i'm broke cause i bought an expensive purse - it's my fault and i have to figure it out.

it's going to take a while for me to get past the past. i worried so much about what he would think if i did this or that (and this was even WHEN we were still married). i had to get my story straight before i talked with him about anything... why i bought that or why i didn't call when i was suppose to. i remember all the times he made me feel bad for feeling good about things and knowing i won't have to go thru that again brings me some comfort; however the emotional scars will take longer to heal, and i'm prepared for that. i need that. and i will heal. all in good time.