mothers day 2006

happy mom's day to mother's everywhere.

i actually never thought of myself as being a mom. it was something that scared me to the core of my being. me - caring for someone other than myself. impossible! when people would ask us (me and my then husband) 'when are you going to have a baby?' i would look at them as if to say, 'please!' that just wasn't something i ever wanted.

as a child, my mom tells me that i never played with babydolls, just barbie. i remember having about each and every barbie ever created too. my how SHE'S changed. but i never really played house. so having a real baby didn't really appeal to me. until it happened... or didn't happen i should say. =)

i remember the day i found out i was pregnant. i was scared to death and to this day only one other person knows about my true fears i conquered that day. when i found out i was 'with child' i would have done anything to make it not true. anything. i talked with my doctor who was very supportive and talked to me about options... and scheduled me for an ultrasound the very next day.

my best friend went with me and when i heard the heartbeat and saw the little peanut in my belly it was over. it was at that moment that i knew i was ready. all the fears i had about being a mom vanished. i was already becoming someone's mom. (then i started to feel REALLY bad about having those drinks a few nights before...)

i've tried to be the best mom i know how to be, but this is my first time around so i'm still learning quite a bit. i've learned that nothing can come close to seeing your child smile when she's successfully turned the light on in the bathroom or seeing her gleam with pride about the freshly changed toilet paper roll in the bathroom...(this one still makes me nervous though) =)

and yesterday, on the day to honor mom's everywhere, seeing the joy she had when i opened the card she colored herself and confidently announced that she picked the card AND the colors herself - well that's about as good as it gets. well, not until she picks 'wild flowers' on the way to breakfast.. that ranks up there pretty high too.

i know i'm far from being the best mom on the planet and i know i still have alot of things to do better at with matilda... but for now - i'm doing what i think is best. i'm learning to accept the fact that she's a 4 year old who likes to get dirty and touch things when she probably shouldn't and who's gonna spill things on the carpet... i'm struggling with letting these things that sorta bug me go. it's not easy, but life is too short to sweat the small stuff. i've read that phrase alot and it is so true.

so from here on out, i'm focusing on patience (or lack thereof) and i'm going to continue to be the best mom i can be to my sweet little matilda.

happy mother's day (a day later, but still)...