to medicate...or not to medicate

... THAT is the question.

i've often wondered what kind of person i'd be under the influence of say, zoloft or xanax... i've taken xanax for my fear of flying and it's a nice relaxer, but i'm talking about everyday use here.

things that shouldn't bother me... do and i'm afraid it's going to have some damaging affects on me and matilda. i've noticed that i tend to be more and more bothered by the teeniest things... from her putting her dirty shoes on the freshly cleaned carseat or running water all over the floor in the bathroom. these are things that preschoolers do so why does it bother me. i've always wanted things to be in order, and when i see something that's not - i can't rest until it's fixed. this can be as simple as a row of votive holders on my window and one isn't set in an equal distance from the others to something more drastic like a spot on the light beige carpet that i can't seem to get out. this is life though - life brings things along that have to be dealt with and i shouldn't let it get to me.

i've been told, mainly by my dad, that i seem stressed all the time. i don't feel stressed, but i do recognize when i start to become bothered by these little things. i try to blow it off but i can't seem to get past the fact that matilda has, for the 20th time, opened up the patio door to go in and out MULTIPLE times... i tell myself - 'she's a kid, she's playing' - but by the 21st door slam... i'm close to losing it.

i plan to speak to my doc about my sudden onset of loss of patience. i've always had it, just never quite like this. i don't want my child to look at me with fear because she's spilled cherry koolaid on the light colored carpet. (this hasn't happened yet, but i'm prepared with new oxy clean carpet spot remover in case it ever does)

i want to be the best mom i can be for her and i want her to have fun with me and know that we have a good time together. we do, but i also know i need to work on my patience because it will only be tested more and more as she gets older. if i lose control when she's four...i'll be braindead when she turns 16.