april's fool

you know how the side mirrors on cars have that disclaimer that says: 'objects in mirror might appear closer than they actually are' or something like that anyway... well i've decided i, too, should have a disclaimer: 'does not see people for who they actually are'. maybe on a pin or a t-shirt or something. here's why...

i've got a friend at work, who i've known for the entire time i've worked there... she was my boss although we never had that boss/employee relationship, it was more friendship than anything. well, we talked about my single-dom and she felt it her duty, since i had made such a poor choice the first time around, that she should help me find mr. right now. thru a friend of her friend. meaning - she has never met this guy. not once. knows nothing about him except what her friend tells her. which could be lies. who knows! SHE doesn't. but apparently, he's good enough for me. mr. who-knows. mm hmm..

like a FOOL i agree to go meet him at her house.. a weekend dinner party. her, her husband, her friends (also husband and wife) me and mr. who-knows. keep in mind i'm a fool okay? i agreed. here's WHY i agreed. for my friend. not for me, nope... i said i'd meet mr. who-knows to please HER. yeap. i have landed myself in the exact same place i vowed NEVER to go again. doing things to please others without pleasing myself.

when i realized what i had done, i decided i should tell my friend how i felt and how good it feels to finally recognize where i'd gone wrong for so many years. i just knew she'd be understanding and proud of me for finally (after 15 years) doing something for me.

WRONG! oh yeah, she said i was full of BS (literally she said that) and that i was lying to myself and that she'd been where i was and that she made mistakes and is still suffering for them - blah blah blah. now i ask you, how in the HELL can my self discovery open up a door for HER to tell ME about HER mistakes. i went from feeling free to feeling like mud on the bottom of someone's shoe. HER shoe to be exact.

now this entire conversation was via e-mail so i replied back that i was speaking honestly and was hurt that she thought otherwise - blah blah blah... and she said something back again about her mistakes and how one day i'd wake up... i didn't reply again. it was pointless.

i've known for a long time that i needed to let go of this friendship because friends should NEVER make you feel bad for anything. right? i mean, i'm right about THAT at least right? well not this friendship. most everything said can be taken on a twist about how SHE dealt with it, how SHE did this or that.. conversations seldom were about anything other than her and her life. you see how she twisted my experiences into her own right? well trust me, SHE DID!

anyway, i've decided to continue on in my journey of self discovery and limit my interaction with her. it's just simply not healthy. i feel bad about myself whenever i'm around her. i lose sleep over things she's said to me. for the first time in ages, i chose to NOT do something because SOMEONE else wanted me to do it and i get hit with a slam from her. no more.

i can only learn from my own mistakes - no one else's. and that's what i'm going to do. mr. who-knows could've been a great guy. probably is in fact. but the bottom line is that i'm simply not ready to meet him. nor anyone. i don't want OR need to be set up with random guys. i'm not THAT desperate and lonely. perhaps after a year maybe... ;-)

i'm 33 1/2, recently divorced from a husband... now i've gotta figure out how to divorce a friend. i wonder if hallmark has a card for that?