'burnt toast'

yes, i read it. teri hatcher's new book... i read a bit on it in a recent 'people' magazine and was intrigued by what she said. 'burnt toast'.. do you eat it? scrape off the burnt and try to make it better? smother it with jam to hide the bad taste? the message was simple yet profound (for me anyway)... by eating burnt toast it's like putting myself second. i don't deserve things that taste good. and i did that. most all of my life. not only did i eat burnt toast, i WAS burnt toast. well after reading that book - i'm making small steps towards putting myself first (except of course where matilda is concerned - she's first all the time)... but even then... i go back to what a wise friend once told me when i was going thru alot of serious drama... 'matilda will only be okay when she sees that her mommy is okay.' or something like that anyway. and it's true. it's so very true.

i've often wondered what matilda must think of me in terms of emotions... because i've tried so hard to not cry when i'm stressed, upset or hurting (emotionally). I did cry when elliot was sent home on american idol and she acted as though she had no idea what i was doing. that sent a message to me right away. she NEEDS to see me go thru emotions more often. i just hid that side because i thought i was doing her a better service by no letting her see me upset.. but in reality - i think i did more harm than good. she needs to know that when times are tough - it's okay to cry and learn and become stronger from whatever experience brought those feelings to you. and i'm working on that.

'burnt toast' made me feel like a normal women. i identified with most everything she said in the book... both divorced, close in age (she's older, tho not by much), single by choice and mothering young daughters. the book was filled with witty takes on most every situation you can think of and it made it fun to read.

i've learned that i'm the one suffering by not taking time out for myself. a good example is not using my favorite body cream in the mornings because i'm in a hurry... what hell could break loose in the 3 minutes it takes to do that simple, yet fufilling task? none - that's for sure. so now i make it a point to take those 3 minutes whether i have them to spare or not... (i'm still working on that actually.)

one thing that absolutely cracked me up was a part near the end of the book where she's talking about having control over your actions... she told a st0ry about how she always wondered what would happen if, when she turned on the garbage disposal with her left hand, her right hand took control over her brain and shoved itself into the running disposal... now - it's kinda gross to think of but I have thought that very same thing! what would happen? I'VE DONE THAT... well not literally (i've never actually shoved my hand down a running disposal) but the thought of doing it...oh yeah. and why - i have no idea but teri hatcher has thought about it too so apparently, if i'm twisted - well so is she... =)