birthday girl

happy birthday to me (i can't believe i'm 34)
happy birthday to me (isn't that like, middle aged)
happy birthday to MEEEE (take away the grey hairs)
happy birthday to me (why do my eyes look tired)

yes indeed - today is my birthday. 34 years old. thirty four. no, not 24, THIRTY FOUR. good gracious - soon i'll be moving into another age bracket on those survey things. you know how they have the ages grouped 18 - 24; 25 - 34; 35 - 40.... i hate that. it's all about profiling. =)

today has been a nice day. it's been a nice year actually. well, i mean despite the divorce, moving to a new place (which i'm getting ready to do), finding a school for matlida (which is stressful for me more than her) and all the while trying to find out who i really am. that doesn't sound like a hard thing to does it? trust me - it is.

i've spent most of my adult life pleasing other people. my parents, my then husband, my child... never me though. it's all because i seek acceptance and approval. i've identified that even now. it's like i need someone to tell me it's okay for me to get the dining room table i want. i can't just accept the fact that i like it, i want it, i can afford it... nope - i need one other person to say it's okay to get it. why is that? and more importantly, how do i stop from doing it?

who knows really. right? i mean, i guess i could just look at it from a 'wanting other's opinions' standpoint. oh and to make matters a bit worse on the subject... i find out today that i have to notify HIM, the county clerk AND the state of my pending relocation... 37 miles from where i am currently residing. i understand this is all part of the deal, but good gracious - it's like i need permission to relocate almost.

i found out my name change didn't get included in the final decree. so now, i have to do some prolunk funk thing with my attorney, file it and send it to HIM - as if HE'S going to sign off on it... which all equals more attorney's fees for me. something i was MORE than happy to have no more of.

anyway - i digress. i'm just rambling. a good friend of mine is in dire straits with some private things. i care so much for her and i don't know how to help her thru the tough times. i know she knows i'm here (and if you happen to be reading this, you're reminded again) but sometimes i feel like i don't enough for her. she's been with me thru all my drama and i kinda feel like i'm just a goofball who tries to make her laugh when she's down... but i don't seem to show my ability to just listen. sometimes that's all people want. they don't want solutions, don't want suggestions... just someone to listen to them.... to HEAR them and understand and/or acknowledge.... well i can do that. i WANT to do that. i WILL do that. just let me know when and where.

i think i'm in a little funk myself. i shouldn't be, but i'm filled with self doubt for some reason. i'm hoping it's just growing pains. ;-)