be not afraid

okay so it's been what, like a year since i've said hello... not exactly but it feels like it. so much has happened. i lost my grandmother a few weeks ago so that in and of itself was difficult. my mother was stronger than i was, which i found interesting, but comforting a bit. someone needed to hold it together. my aunt did well too. sadly both of them are struggling now, while i do okay.

someone asked me if i was close to my grandmother and the first answer was 'not really, she lived so far from me.' but after thinking about it a bit longer, i discovered that yes, i was. she was here for every major event in my life... my graduation from high school, my wedding day, the birth of my daughter, the end of my marriage and countless birthdays in between. she saw me grow up, literally, into who i am today. i hope she's proud.

her funeral was very small, mainly just family and local friends. matilda went with me. HIM was surprisingly okay with me taking her across 2 states so she could be with me. see, matilda was the light in my grandma's eye. before it was me, so i'm told, but the second matilda came into the world, she was it. my friend b tells me that when matilda was taken out into the main hospital waiting room, my grandma extended her finger to her and matilda grabbed it. there are no photos of this, just on video i think... i need to get a copy of that and see if i can freeze it for a photo. they connected minutes after matilda came into the world. so i was determined to have matilda there with me. it's what my grandma would have wanted. deserved actually.

i discovered alot of things about myself on this trip. i felt like i was a stranger when i first got there - even though i was surrounded by family. i felt almost like my mother was secluding herself from me. i know realize she was battling inner demons about losing her mother and probably found comfort by being with her sister. i also discovered that i'm more like my grandmother than i at first thought.

i say and do things that she always did. 'whichever way' is my personal favorite and that phrase will live as long as i do... another thing i do is saving kleenex. i hold onto it...for no good reason other than i might need it and i want it near me. even as i sit here typing, i have a folded kleenex tucked under my keyboard corner. i also save those plastic bags from the stores... use them as garbage can liners, much like my grandmother. i've also been known to tie them to something to use as a garbage can if one is not around. it's funny how we pick up habits isn't it?

so... i decided to title this post one of the hymns sung at my grandma's service. she chose all the songs that were sung and this one, i'm told, was her favorite... it's very fitting i think, not just in death but in living as well.