ch..ch..ch..changes...

so today marked the end of an era. the end of something i have called my 'own' for almost 12 years. the closing of a life i once had. yes, today i officially changed back to my maiden name and i gotta tell ya, i'm feeling very... strange about it.

it's funny because when i learned my attorney failed to capture this in my final decree i was pretty frustrated. when i found out she was making efforts to get it rectified, i was happy. i wanted it done... and now that it IS done, i feel oddly indifferent about it. i would think i'd be happy and ready to get all my documentation updated, but instead, i'm filled with 'why did i do this?' 'who did i do it for?' because i really don't know.

dont get me wrong, my dad will be sooo pleased i now have his last name and i'm honored to have it. but in the grand scheme of things, WHO am i? i remember in high school, i felt so nerdy and just invisible. i had my maiden name. when i got married, i feel like i really came into my own. discovered who i was and what i wanted for myself. but, discovering that has nothing to do with a last name right?

it's so new. i have to re-learn how to sign my NEW name. i have to remember to introduce myself in a new way. i've asked myself if i'm feeling this way because matilda will still have his last name while mine is different. i think that might be part of it. but again, why am i bothered by this? i have no idea. all i know is that i didn't feel the rush of excitement that i had hoped.

sooo, in 2 weeks i'll have a new social security card and can begin getting all my affairs in order, as they say on tv. i wish i knew why i was feeling this way. my dad told me that it's normal because this signifies the death of the marriage. like the divorce decree wasn't enough i guess. i don't know. maybe he's right. it's just a name right?

i've changed so much over the last several months, this is the icing on the cake i suppose. it's a nice way to start the new year too. new year, new name, new goals. hopefully... i can add 'new man' to that list as well. (and maybe another new name, perhaps.) =)