hiatus

i know i've been a stranger to my own blog, but really, i'm a boring person. sure i've survived the world's most boring 'date' ( and i use that word VERY loosely), i've battled a massive infection accompanied by blinding backpain (still enduring that part) and i've recently lost a friend at a very unexpected moment in time.

the last few weeks have been difficult with yesterday being the toughest thus far. i had known his wife for most of my high school life, although we didn't become friends until after graduation. (funny how that happens - as close as lyn and i are now, we didn't know each other in school - weird.) but i worked with her as she planned, planned and planned their dream wedding. i remember her telling me she was going to take a xanax and watch dwayne wayne and whitley's wedding on a different world and if she could make it thru THAT without crying, she'd be okay at her own wedding. they had been together for longer than i can even remember and i got to hear the story of she won him over. stuff high school movies are made from.

i am so proud of her strength and her ability to smile even when she knows she can't. seeing her last night made me realize how much more growth i have to do for myself. i can't imagine what she's going thru and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

i got to visit with friends from high school, we gossiped and felt guilty about it the entire time but i honestly believe there is healing thru laughter. (even if it at some unsuspecting classmate's expense.)

another reason it was hard for me, and this is on a more personal / selfish note but i did grow from having gone thru this... is that this was the first event HIM and i have attended that we weren't attending as a couple. it was odd being in the same room with HIM and not even acknowledging each other. i know last night's event wasn't about us at all and i'm not making it into that, but what i gained from that was strength that i needed to get back. i faced many people who stood by him thru our divorce, supported him, shunning me - most of them took the high road and said 'hello', while others went out of their way to ignore me. it hurt, but i was touched by those who did speak to me.

what i realized about myself is that last night, for the first time ever, i stood on my own. without having to look for him and wonder who he was schmoozing while i entertained myself. i talked to people and reminisced with old friends. it was almost liberating.

my heart goes out to the incredible family who suffered this loss. they will live in my prayers forever.