trust

i've discovered that i don't have much of this in my life right now. as a matter of fact, i'm not sure i ever did.

throughout my marriage, trust was something HIM never had in me. from the early stages in our relationship and up until the bitter end - he never had an ounce of trust in me. i noticed this early on but figured it was just his way of showing me that he cared about me... now i see the error in my thinking. when things got really bad, things got really bad. that's about the only way i can say it. i supported HIM in every endeavor he made, and believe me - there were many. yet, trust was something i couldn't find. or he couldn't find in me rather. and now, i'm struggling with finding trust in HIM.

a good friend recently told me that i needed to find a way to trust that HIM would be there to pick up matilda after school on time. you see, i've been battling things around in my head over matilda starting school and the big thing is the distance of the school in relation to HIM. i never gave this a second when selecting the school. this school was perfect in everyway for us. it is christian based, private, goes from pre-k thru high school and the uniforms are sorta cute. the location never crossed my mind. okay that's a lie, it did, but only because i knew he'd cry about it being far from him and 'how am i gonna pick her up and get her there when i have her?' well - that struck a cord with me because (again) i try to figure out how to ease HIM's burden, and at the same time, have a little benefit for myself.

i miss matilda when i don't see her. i call her each day and talk but it's not the same as seeing her. i figured i'd offer to meet at a halfway point to pick her up or drop her off with HIM after school. this would guarantee she'd be prepared for the day, dressed right and most importantly - i'd get to see her on days i normally would not. then i realized why this comforted me more than anything - it was because I would control the situation and wouldn't have to depend on HIM to do anything. that's it. plain and simple. i have no faith in HIM that he'll show up on time to pick her up each day. (apparently, it's the pick-ups that are HIM's problem, not the drop-offs).

what i envision on HIM's pick up day is me at home preparing my dinner while my sweet matilda is waiting for her daddy to pick her up. i can't do that. i just can't. if i'm 10 min from her - why can't i just go pick her up? a wise woman said to go and sit with her until he gets there but not to actually pick her up - a good idea but i don't know. i just don't know.

i need to get to a place where i can trust that HIM will put his child before anything else. and HIM has never done that. heck, i've never even been 1st place to HIM. not in 15 years and i expect my 4 year old to be 1st? she should be. she IS with me.

how do you trust a person who's main goal has been to better HIMself as opposed to being with his family? how can i find comfort in knowing that when she's with HIM she is what matters most? how will i know that HIM will make the effort to adjust his schedule to care for his daughter?

time will tell i guess. in the meantime, i'm just going to do what feels right for me - even if it does ease HIM's burden. matilda is the reason i do these things - and that's that.

now say a silent prayer that i survive the first day of school - which is this friday.