boredom

i have come to find that when matilda isn't with me... i'm totally bored. i've run out of fun things to do on my own. right now, if she were with me... she'd be in the tub and i'd be putting clothes away or watching her swish back and forth in the tub, stressing out as the water toppled over onto the floor but cracking up as she cackled away with silly laughter. but no, she is not here and i find myself wondering what to do with my 'alone' time.

i really am ALONE. there is no one here with me. no one to talk to. the cat is here of course, but she's not much for conversation. unless she needs food and/or water. i know i'm okay and i will continue to be okay, it's just hard not knowing what she's doing or HOW she is doing. i miss her.

tomorrow will be back to normal. she's going to turn 5 later this week. FIVE. i have a five year old. i still can't believe it. if you told me 15 years ago that i'd have a 5 year old and be divorced, i'd have said you were crazy. more so about having a child than the divorce, sad to say. but here i am. a single mom at 34.

i ask myself how i got here, and i really don't know the answer. i never expected my life to turn out like this. but, at the end of the day, i'm glad for it. i've learned my strengths, weaknesses and how to deal with just about everything from a cloggy sink to being by myself on a saturday night.

the best part of all... i'm doing just fine with everything.