self discovery

i have recently discovered that i might be a bit shallow. i never really thought about it until someone said something to me about shallow people. you see, i confessed to a guilty pleasure of mine - beverly hills, 90210 reruns on soapnet. i know, i know - tragic as it may be it IS fun to visit donna, david, kelly and dylan and see what hell they can go thru in an hour. god help them if it's a season brenda was there. =) when i confessed this secret of mine, i heard, 'i didn't think you were that shallow.' um, hello - i'm only WATCHING it. does that make me guilty by association? perhaps it does.

one of my favorite things to surf on the web is the infamous 'go fug yourself' blog. a friend sent me the link and it has been visited everyday since. i love it. it makes me laugh when i'm depressed, it makes me happy to see 'the beautiful people' look crazy at red carpet events. does this make me shallow?

i saw a picture of a certain celebrity in a magazine recently and fell instantly in love with her look. so i went on a mission to find a similar outfit (at a fraction of what SHE spent hopefully). i didn't rest until i found it. the dress was fairly easy to find, the shoes, on the other hand were not. i refuse to go into details about the outfit, because as i tried to explain it to another friend of mine, she raised her eyebrows in disgust and confusion - NOT a good combination. i did manage to find my shoes and will be wearing this fabulous outfit tomorrow. i'll let you know what people say. i think it's cute but perhaps it's not... we shall see.

what traits do shallow people have? i've never thought of myself as shallow and i'm pretty sure people who know me don't either... but what if i am? that's not who i want to be, nor is it who i want others to THINK i am.

i get my nails done, i spend more time getting ready than some women, i enjoy reading fiction novels that have no purpose and certainly won't make me any smarter... i love reality tv - most of it anyway... i love good music - pop, rock, r&b, anything... i think i'm kinda well rounded. sorta. maybe. just a bit.

i try to be a fun person. someone who always has something snappy or sassy to say. to make people laugh and have a good time. i'm caring, tender and loving when i'm with matilda. (and i hope to be that way with a significant other one day in the future).

i hear things people are doing to improve their lives, to pay attention to things taken for granted. i admire their courage to go thru that type of thing. it made me think about myself and things i take for granted.

perhaps it is simply me. i have taken myself for granted and along those same lines i have BEEN taken for granted. i never gave myself much credit for anything i did, anything i wanted to do or thought i should do. so now, i do those things i never did before. and if it makes me shallow - i guess i have to live with it. i refuse to let what others think of me control my actions. it's easier said than done, but it's something i try to do anyway.

there are days i don't like myself very much, days i wish i were taller, smarter, prettier, thinner - maybe i am shallow, but i do think we all have days like that. at the end of it all i want to be happy with who i am and the type of mom i was to matilda. she doesn't see these guilty pleaure trips of mine, those are things i do for myself, by myself.

i have no idea what prompted this post, but it had to be something. there had to be a reason for me to do some mental cleaning. it was getting sorta dusty up there.