frustrations

so a couple days ago, i had dinner with some very good friends while matilda hung out with her dad for a couple hours... the evening went fantastic for me (and i hope for matilda)... the pick up afterwards... well, here's a run down...

again, i leave wishing i had said something more than what i did say... matilda was more than ready to go with me, which was a pleasant surprise for me, and a not-so-pleasant surprise for HIM. he had to ask her for a hug and kiss bye. she sighed and went back to him, did the hug/kiss combo and scurried back towards my car. then he says, 'so tomorrow i'll meet you at 530pm.' i had a combination look of shock and disgust as i said, 'i thought you were picking up matilda tomorrow.' to which he says, 'well i get off at 4pm so i can meet you at 530pm.' i grumbled 'fine, whatever' and left. it wasn't until i was driving home that what he truly said hit me.

if he's OFF at 4pm, what's to prevent HIM from driving up after he's off to pick up his daughter? nothing but the lack of caring i think. so we drive home, matilda's calm and cool singing away to marc anthony and all of a sudden, i'm the only one singing. she is totally crashed. so when we finally get home, she climbs out of the car... now, i didn't notice this until it was too late.. but her left foot was asleep. i noticed her walking sideways almost and then i looked at her feet and the left one, well, was like folded up ... she was basically walking on the ankle part. now i wanted to carry her cause she was clearly freaked out by this experience, but i had my arms full of her backpack, lunchbox, her baby, stuffed lion, my purse and two sets of keys. my hands were clearly full.

i tried to make the situation funny for her and asked if her foot was tingling. my question was met with quite possibly the most evil look a 4 year old can give. i shook it off and hurried into the building. now we had two minor flights of stairs to battle. she did well, stumbling on occasion but she never asked me to pick her up. which i thought was very bold.

we get inside and she crawls right into bed, curls up and falls back asleep in the very same clothes she was wearing at HIM's house. old ratty shorts and a chinese food stained shirt. i didn't have the heart to battle her to get into her jammies. so i just let her sleep that way. no bath, no night clothes, no brushing of the teeth before bed. she was exhausted, i was feeling bad that i put her thru this, so we both drifted off to sleep together.

i don't know that i'm going to agree to another one of these 3 hour visits with HIM. if he can't get his schedule fixed for her, that's going to be his problem. her routine was messed up and she knew it, i knew it and neither of us liked it.

well when i got to work yesterday - i decided to email HIM and let him know i had an appt at 530 and i wasn't going to reschedule it. we need to meet earlier and closer to the city. i waited, waited and waited some more. finally at noon i decide to call HIM's office since i hadn't heard from HIM in 4 hours. the office mgr answers... we chat quickly and then she tells me that he wasn't at work today. wasn't. at. work. today. this from a man who didn't want to leave early to pick up his ONLY daughter from school... AFTER I DROVE HER TO HIS SORRY ASS SO HE COULD SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH HER. (which incidently, was chinese food dinner with his girlfriend. who i suspect was hidden inside the house when i went to pick up matilda, but i digress) soo.. the office mgr tells me he stayed home 'sick'. SICK. YOU THINK? yeah he's sick all right. in the head. so i call his cell phone. i could tell he was aggitated i called him at all during the day. it was about 130 i think. i tell HIM about my email request and that i need to meet him at 5pm so i can make my appt. (now, i had no appt but i had already gone out of my way yesterday, i wanted to go home early, veg out and hit the sack early too.) he sounded pissy but agreed. and yet AGAIN!!! after i hung up, i realized - this moron can leave at 3pm and make it to pick up matilda because he's at HOME. but he never offered that. never, not once. and i, like a big baffoon agree to meet him earlier than planned. why? why can't i think more on my feet? i never have been able to do that really well and now is when i need to.

well, anyway - i was cold as ice at the drop off yesterday. only acknowledged him to tell him i had a copy of the school fundraiser stuff in her backpack in case he wanted to help. i grabbed matilda's face, gave her mulitple kisses and told her 'hasta manana!' to which HIM rolled his eyes. jealous of course because i know more spanish than him. ;-) he tried to take her backpack from her and she barked, 'no that's mine!' loved that.

so, all in all, i guess she had a fun time with HIM last night. i'll find out today when i pick her up from school. i'm trying to realize that i owe him nothing and that the only connection we have is matilda. the problem with that is that i put matilda before anything else, even it means HIM will benefit somehow... i hope one day HIM can put matilda in the front of everything where she belongs.... only time will tell.