just like heaven

so yesterday i spend the day with matilda and her class. it was their annual field trip and this year included a trip to the imax and the planetarium. both of which i'm rather fond of and don't mind visiting. add about 25 4 - 5 year olds and it's a whirlpool of fun.

luckily for me and the other volunteer parents who went along, we each had 2 kids to keep up with. i got matilda and another sweet boy, who was 'cute dad's' son. luck has shone upon me i tell you. he was a very well behaved little boy. held my hand when we walked around, listened when i called for him, more importantly he CAME to me when i called for him. matilda did as well, but she knew she could test my limits because i was also focusing on another child.. which i think made her a tad jealous.

all in all the day was great... the imax was fun... it was actually the one i wanted to see - 'the deep sea'. it was great to watch the kids 'grab' at the fish - the imax was in 3d you see. so it was lots of fun. about 20 min into it, matilda says, 'mommy is it almost over?' i shook my head 'yes' and that was that. seconds later, adam, cute dad's boy, says, 'i'm hungry. when do we leave?' 'in a little bit longer okay?' i whispered... little did they know they had about another 20 minutes to... PLUS a trip to the planetarium. but they survived.

the planetarium was less fun for me. i got a bit sickly in there, what with the huge screen on the ceiling and it's fast moving movie... yeah - not too good for me.. and i was going on little nourishment. i think if i HAD eaten something it would've wound up on the little girl beside me.

once that was over - not soon enough for this gal, we loaded the kids up on the bus and drove to the have lunch in the park. i can't tell you how nice it was. the day was beautiful and the kids were being fairly contained. after all the lunches had been consumed and they could be still no longer, they made a dash for the big hill and began to roll down it. it was so much fun to watch all 25 kiddos rolling down the side of the green grassy hill. their dazed faces were hillarious.

i, of course, had my camera and snapped some cute shots of most of the kiddos.. including cute dad's boy... so NOW i have an in... here's how i'm gonna work it...

me talking to cute dad: 'so you know i went along with the kids on the field trip the other day and took some cute pictures of adam... if you have an email address i can send them to you if you like.' will that work? it should right? unless he has no email... that would be almost unheard of right? well, that's my plan for now... and it HAS to work. or at least get me somewhere.

all in all the day was fantastic. the only downside is the blister i have on my heel from my so called comfy ballet flats. they were supposed to be good for walking... and i was planning on taking them with me when i go on vacation in may... now i have to buy another pair of shoes... because, not only is it a blister.. but it's the SIZE OF PLUTO! and i know... i saw that planet in the planetarium movie.

he's a dream

and what a dream he is... so i found one thing to motivate me during my workouts... hot guy. he is both hot in appearance and probably in body temp since he's working out. =) but boy, is he H.O.T.

i first saw him i guess 2 weeks ago... like the second time i went to work out... he was with another guy, who oddly looks like one of the guys on 'the bachelorette' - one she DIDN'T pick but sooo should have... he's blonde and i don't much care for blonde guys. i mean, don't get me wrong, if justin timberlake came knocking - i'd certainly answer THAT door, but in general, i prefer a darker guy - dark hair, dark eyes, you know, like prince charming. ha ha... sooo back to hot guy.

he's got it all, dark hair, but i think his eyes are blue, but hey - that works too... he's just sooo hot! i can't think of another way to describe him. he's not too bulky, but toned, he's tall - which is a bonus... and get this. when he works out - ball cap on - turned backwards. i LOVE that. so sexy.

so check it - he does a warm up on the elliptical machine. so i'm thinking, if i can time it right, i can be on another elliptical machine when HE is on one. granted there are like 20 of these things so God would really have to be working things to get us side by side at the same time. we'll see how it goes. but in the meantime, i'm really enjoying watching him pump iron and work that elliptical as i sweat on my treadmill behind him.

another bonus is that he doesn't look like he knows he's hot. i mean, he's got a mirror i'm sure so he knows he's a good lookin guy, but he seems like he'd talk to you if approached. i'm not planning on doing THAT anytime soon, but we'll see.

i'm thinking to keep with tradition and in true form, i might go download 'he's a dream' for my ipod. at least i can see him AND listen to his theme song while i'm working out. for those of you who aren't 'flashdance' fans - can't imagine there being anyone who's NOT a fan- here's the chorus of this little diddy...

' right now, ask me if i care, ooh he's coming closer hot damn i swear, he's gotta be the toughest guy i've ever seen, i can't believe he's lookin' at me... he's a dream'

i just love it. good beat, you can dance to it, i'd give it a 95. =)

let's get physical

'you're clothes are getting tighter.' that was all it took. a close friend at work said this to me in passing a few weeks ago and it stuck with me. so much that i was determined to do something about it. and make them do a 180 when they see me walking down the hall one of these days... 'my clothes are getting WHAT?' HUH? =) we've been friends for 7 years so it didn't offend me it got me thinking... you're right.

so i did what any paranoid, body insecure woman would do... i joined a healthclub. just dove right into that one complete with a personal trainer. i've had 3 sessions with him and have 2 more to go.. he just might kill me before the last one. let's hope not, but i thought i might die after our initial session.

i was never intimated by exercise equipment. not until day one with anthony. he took me to a stairclimber. not an elliptical machine, not a nordic track thingy that you move arms AND legs in the upward motion...no this was a true STAIR climber. a treadmill with moving steps instead of a flat belt. 5 minutes was my destination on this thing... i thought, '5 minutes, sure no prob.' after 2 minutes, i started to realize i could potentially pass out. 3 min marked the time at which i thought i might fall off the damn thing, 4 minutes = turning it off and running out of there screaming. 5 minutes was my salvation. anthony turned it off and congratulated me on making it thru. i wanted to now kill him!

we stretched and stretched and then moved on the upper body strengthening. this was surprisinig easy for me. granted some parts were difficult, but for the most part, i could do it. i guess carrying around matilda for so long really did some good for my arms. so after working out my upper body our time had come to an end. we set up a time for my next session. had i known then what i know now... i might have quit altogether... the day after the upper body workout... just answering my desk phone at work was painful. but i loved it. at least i knew something was happening.

session number two marked the beginning of one of the most painful things in my life... lower body strengthening. we walk to the treadmill and i'm excited because i'm confident and able on this sucker... (i do speed walking on this on my off-days with anthony) i get on... he sets it up for like 5 minutes and asks, 'have you ever run?' 'from what? i thought to myself. but i said the wrong thing outloud, 'no, i can't really run.' 'well you will today.' and with that, the speed goes from 3.0 to 5.0 and i was literally off and running. my balance has never been what you might call, good. i'm super, ultra clumsy. so instead of running like a normal person on a treadmill, i ran like a freak on a treadmill. i held on. i couldn't NOT hold on. i felt like i was gonna fly off the back of this thing a la jackass style. so i apologized to anthony for my misgivings in the way of running and asked if i could hold on... he said yes and i finished my 5 minutes holding on for my dear life. then the real torture began at minute 10.

i never realized how out of shapy my legs are. yes, they're fine for walking, even walking fast, running and weight lifting - not so much. we begin with light lifts on various machines for the lower body. at about rep #6 (out of 15) my leg began to shake and quiver.. and NOT in a good way. anthony was very supportive and kept talking me thru it. whenever i wanted to give up, he stood by me cheering me on. and i needed it because without it, i would have given up on myself. but anthony wouldn't let me. and i'm thankful for that. we ended the session with 5 minutes on the elliptical machine. i feel like a super dummy on this thing. i know everyone bounces the same odd way on these things, but i feel extra goofy because of the double d's i'm packing. i feel like they bounce more than they should during the work out... so i hated this part as well.

all in all, i feel great, am eating better and enjoying that too. just this morning, the same friend who started me into this new workout situation said, 'wow, you look really good. your waist is so slim. what are you doing?' i wanted to punch them, but instead i just said, 'oh nothing much.'

be not afraid

okay so it's been what, like a year since i've said hello... not exactly but it feels like it. so much has happened. i lost my grandmother a few weeks ago so that in and of itself was difficult. my mother was stronger than i was, which i found interesting, but comforting a bit. someone needed to hold it together. my aunt did well too. sadly both of them are struggling now, while i do okay.

someone asked me if i was close to my grandmother and the first answer was 'not really, she lived so far from me.' but after thinking about it a bit longer, i discovered that yes, i was. she was here for every major event in my life... my graduation from high school, my wedding day, the birth of my daughter, the end of my marriage and countless birthdays in between. she saw me grow up, literally, into who i am today. i hope she's proud.

her funeral was very small, mainly just family and local friends. matilda went with me. HIM was surprisingly okay with me taking her across 2 states so she could be with me. see, matilda was the light in my grandma's eye. before it was me, so i'm told, but the second matilda came into the world, she was it. my friend b tells me that when matilda was taken out into the main hospital waiting room, my grandma extended her finger to her and matilda grabbed it. there are no photos of this, just on video i think... i need to get a copy of that and see if i can freeze it for a photo. they connected minutes after matilda came into the world. so i was determined to have matilda there with me. it's what my grandma would have wanted. deserved actually.

i discovered alot of things about myself on this trip. i felt like i was a stranger when i first got there - even though i was surrounded by family. i felt almost like my mother was secluding herself from me. i know realize she was battling inner demons about losing her mother and probably found comfort by being with her sister. i also discovered that i'm more like my grandmother than i at first thought.

i say and do things that she always did. 'whichever way' is my personal favorite and that phrase will live as long as i do... another thing i do is saving kleenex. i hold onto it...for no good reason other than i might need it and i want it near me. even as i sit here typing, i have a folded kleenex tucked under my keyboard corner. i also save those plastic bags from the stores... use them as garbage can liners, much like my grandmother. i've also been known to tie them to something to use as a garbage can if one is not around. it's funny how we pick up habits isn't it?

so... i decided to title this post one of the hymns sung at my grandma's service. she chose all the songs that were sung and this one, i'm told, was her favorite... it's very fitting i think, not just in death but in living as well.