happy holly days

i saw that tag line on a sign yesterday and it made me smile. it also inspired me to put my tree up. i know, i know it's nuts but i couldn't resist. you see, i bought a new tree two weeks ago and ever since, i've been itching to put it up. it's a modest 7 1/2 ft tree - no prelit business for me. i saved myself the extra 45 bucks and decided to string them myself. as particular as i am, it was probably the better option. =)

now, i didn't decorate it yet. i'm saving that for tomorrow night when matilda gets here. she loves putting the ornaments on the tree. it's difficult for me to deal with all the ornaments being in one section of the tree as opposed to being stragetically placed throughout the tree... but she enjoys deciding where each ornament should go. i did come up with a new tree topper. i'd been searching and searching for the right star or the perfect serene angel to watch over our tree, but i kept coming up empty handed. nothing spoke to me. so i decided to go another route. i found a gorgeous christmasy floral pick that's nothing but silver tinsel with silver balls on the tips. the tinsel is on wire branches that are about 8" long and they can be bent in any direction. i love it. it looks like a bunch of shooting stars sprouting out the top of the tree. like a firework in the sky. i also got some peacock feathers and stuck those up near the top too. i'm surprised wendy the cat hasn't tried to climb the tree for those suckers.

i ordered a nativity for matilda.. and for me too, but it's geared for her. it's the little people nativity scene. i've been searching for this item for quite awhile and finally decided to buy it online. it should be here next week or early the following week. and i just can't wait. soo cute.

anyway.. that's been my sunday. a very relaxing, yet productive day. and for me - those are the best kind.

nostalgia

now anyone who knows me, knows i'm a sucker for 80s music, early 90s teen movies.. as a matter of fact, i'm watching 'can't hardly wait' right. this. second. i don't know why i like this stuff... i mean, i'm 34 watching movies about a high school graduation party and the chaos that ensues with each character... but i LOVE it! i think ethan embry is a cutie so maybe that's why...

the other day, however, i did the unthinkable. i was caving into an urge that is dark, taboo and almost unheard of for a woman of my age... i dug out my old nsync cds. *AAAHHHHHHHH* i know, i know, you're shrieking in horror. beleive me, it took alot of guts to admit that. hell, it takes guts to admit i HAVE old nsync cds. but i do. i have all of them. i even have a 'special' cd that a friend created for me. i have stuff YOU probably never heard! am i proud of that? heck yes i am! true they were cheesy pop boys, but they could harmonize like no other. and come on, have you seen justin or jc? hello! they are the reasons for my addiction... er i mean affection. mr. j.t. himself is doing so much more than any of them... AND i've got tickets to see him when he strolls into town. ;-)

anyway... i'm still on a hunt for THE cd that sparked my initial search. it's here somewhere - and i shall find it. oh yes, i shall find it soon.

choices

this post might seem silly to some of you, but for me it reinforced the goodness in other people and in how matilda is being brought up. i must be doing something right.

i witnessed two events which happened within minutes of one another. i had little to do with either decision involved but was happy to be present when it was made.

the first big choice involved my dear, sweet matilda. we were at a major supercenter store (name withheld but if you go about a mile from your house, you've got one there...) she wanted a toy. now, this isn't necessarily something i'm proud of, but matilda seems to think anytime we're in a store, she gets something. this was a poor choice i made when me and HIM seperated. i would take her grocery shopping and let her pick one thing. and now i'm paying for it... literally. today was different. she asked to go to the toy section and hesitantly i agreed. (don't ask me why, please just don't.) so there we are. among glistening dolls, shiny cars, colorful balls... she had settled for a ball until i found something i thought she might like. it was a read and learn bible. now in all seriousness, the ball would have been the cheaper choice, but for me, the bible made better sense. and with no prompting from me whatsoever, matilda chose the bible. she was so excited to see it. i mean, REALLY excited and pleased with her decision. so was i.

the second event that made me smile was when we were on our way home from said supercenter. we're driving along, traffic isn't so bad and we were getting close to home. when i saw two dogs crossing the median and heading into the traffic in front of me. i began to panic and to prepare myself for the first car to hit the first dog when i was presently surprised. the car actually came to a screeching halt, risking getting rear-ended by the car behind it, so the two little dogs could cross the street (somewhat safely).

now some of you might think this is nothing big to tell, but since moving into the city, well, life is much more fast paced than i thought. but one person was caring enough to slow down and not take the life of a crazy dog crossing the street. it made me smile and quietly thank that driver. i, myself, have been known to break for squirrels. and an early date with HIM, well, needless to say i cried like a baby when he hit and killed a raccoon. (should've known there was something wrong with HIM then, huh?) yes, i'm an animal lover. of all animals. big or little. well, i don't much care for rats or mice, but you know - as long as they stay in their space, it's all good.

groovin'

sorta anyway...

i've been in an unshakeable funk for the last several days. to look at me, you'd not know it but i can feel it. i can't put my finger on what the root of the funk is exactly, otherwise i'd fix it or something, so i've just been trying to focus my energy on things that i can control and try to make positive changes in my everyday life.

i spend more silly time with matilda. that's nothing new though. we have LOTS of silly time - always have - but the difference now is that our silly time happens almost everyday, as opposed to her first day back with me after a weekend with HIM.

i think i need to spice up my life a little... i got some advice from my gal pal, lyn, about a multivitamin which she likes. so i bought some of my own and have started taking them. those things are HUGE. i got some 'firming' lotion from nivea. i figure if i can't lose the flab, FIRM IT UP! will it work? who knows. i figure if it doesn't, who cares, my skins moisturized regardless. and flabby skin ALWAYS looks better moisturized than it does dry. =)

i'm investigating options for colored contacts. now i know most of you think those look totally fake and yes, i do agree. but to shake things up i thought it would be fun. i haven't decided on a color yet but will check into at my upcoming eye doctor visit. i figure 3 pairs should be just fine. enough for me to try it out... see how i feel with a new eye color and to guage the response i receive from those around me. i'll keep you posted.

turkey day is just around the corner and i have decided that i am taking on the entire purpose of thanksgiving. i am thankful for what i have. i'm thankful for what i DON'T have. i need to not take things for granted anymore and i need to appreciate things in my life. after turkey day, i'm putting up the tree. i'm so anxious to do it now, but i'm afraid i'll get tired of it a week before Christmas. so i'm going to wait and put it up a few days after thanksgiving. it will be a fun task for matilda and me. perhaps it will get my creative juices flowing again. i need a project. and Christmas could be it!

funkadelic

and not in the whole 'marky mark and the funky bunch' way... i don't know why but i've been down lately. and i don't even have good reason. matilda turned 5 the other day and some people have suggested that's why i've been rather depressed, but i just don't know... doesn't make good sense to me, but then again i'm no expert on the subject.

thursday was the low day for me. which oddly enough WAS matilda's bday. so maybe there is some logic to that theory. i woke up in a downer kind of mood and just stayed there throughout the entire day. i was talking to a friend at work, who's also a divorced mom - a tad older than me but her daughter is the same age as matilda... she was in a rather bad relationship with a guy and she knew he was bad news but he was always there for her when she needed someone or was lonely... that's why she kept going back to him. she told me about a recent scuffle with him, which required police intervention, and said something that really hit me... hard.

she said that as mothers, we give our children all the energy and love we have inside us and focus all our attention on them, when will someone give the same to us? now when she said that, at first i thought, 'well i know matilda loves me.' but that's not what she meant. she meant a significant other. when will someone give us the same love and affection we give out? i felt sorry for her and what she went thru in her search for that, but at the same time, i asked myself if i would put myself in a similar situation. you know, a bad relationship just for the sake of being IN a relationship... it's not good for anyone. as we talked and her words really hit me, my eyes began to fill with tears. it was at that moment i realized i might never feel that. affection, love, companionship with another. i may, but again, i might not. it's slim pickens out there ladies. REALLY slim. i have decided that the old saying is true.. the good ones are taken.

but there is always hope. and when you lose that, you've truly given up. i'm not there yet. and i hope i'm never at that point. i'm too young to give up. my soulmate is out there. i believe that.

** i wanted to send a HUGE 'cheers' to my gal pal lyn. her and her chosen one celebrated 11 years of wedded bliss yesterday. eleven years. that's quite an accomplishment. they have two great kids and the world's biggest dog. congrats to you all! may you have 11 more! =)

boredom

i have come to find that when matilda isn't with me... i'm totally bored. i've run out of fun things to do on my own. right now, if she were with me... she'd be in the tub and i'd be putting clothes away or watching her swish back and forth in the tub, stressing out as the water toppled over onto the floor but cracking up as she cackled away with silly laughter. but no, she is not here and i find myself wondering what to do with my 'alone' time.

i really am ALONE. there is no one here with me. no one to talk to. the cat is here of course, but she's not much for conversation. unless she needs food and/or water. i know i'm okay and i will continue to be okay, it's just hard not knowing what she's doing or HOW she is doing. i miss her.

tomorrow will be back to normal. she's going to turn 5 later this week. FIVE. i have a five year old. i still can't believe it. if you told me 15 years ago that i'd have a 5 year old and be divorced, i'd have said you were crazy. more so about having a child than the divorce, sad to say. but here i am. a single mom at 34.

i ask myself how i got here, and i really don't know the answer. i never expected my life to turn out like this. but, at the end of the day, i'm glad for it. i've learned my strengths, weaknesses and how to deal with just about everything from a cloggy sink to being by myself on a saturday night.

the best part of all... i'm doing just fine with everything.