big girls don't cry

... matilda hit a milestone... and so did, sort of.

see my beautiful 5 year old and i made a deal... when she was 4. the deal was when she started school.. she'd migrate into her own bed. now, her bed is 3 ft from mine because we have a 1 bedroom apartment for now... but she definently has her own space. this is actually HER apartment, i just pay the bills and pickup after her really. =) but nevertheless, the deal was 5 year olds sleep in their bed. did she? not really.

and that's my fault. i now this. i should have been more stern and adamant. but in all honesty, it was a comfort thing for me too. i had to grow up a bit and get past the comfort of knowing my sweet girl was right next to me. literally, right next to me. usually a foot jammed in my back to be exact... but this weekend we ventured out for her to pick out bedsheets because, now it was time to really get serious.

we went to our favorite sunday store... the one with the bullseye logo... and she got to pick any sheet set she wanted. now, naturally, i pushed for dora, little mermaid or the disney princesses... matilda would have nothing of it. instead, she zeroed in on a fantastic set of batman sheets. BAT.MAN. for a sweet little girl. BATMAN. i bought them. and i bought a pillow to match. and you know what... it was the best money i ever spent.

she was so excited to help me put HER sheets on HER bed. and she climbed into her bed all by herself. tucked herself in and was ready for lights out. it was quite different than i had expected. i was so proud yet nervous that she didn't need me as much as she had the day before.

until 11pm. she sat straight up in bed, called out 'mommy!' and i said, 'i'm right here sweetie.' she said, 'okay.' and down she went until 630am this morning. tonight, we'll do a replay. she's ready... i'm ready... and together we'll get thru this new big girl endeavor.

brickhouse

okay, so disclaimer... this is on a sorta personal level, but all women have these issues... at least i hope they do... maybe not about boobs, like me, but we've all got something about our bodies that bugs us... i'm sure even j.lo doesn't like something about herself. right? =)

so i wanted a new bra right? right. i ventured out and went to a couple places. i ended up settling on a bra that i didn't like 100% but figured it might be the only option i got. i mean it fit nice and it was sorta pretty. i haven't worn it yet. haven't even taken the TAG off yet TO wear it. so yesterday, i'm sitting at work, scanning my hotmail and i see the victoria secret email... 'semi annual sale ends jan 25!' so i decide to go after work. i was searching for something in particular... that i KNEW they'd have.. i just KNEW it.

i go to the sale bins first. pick up about 3 i wanted to try. one was a size larger, but i thought i'd try cause you just NEVER know... then i head to find the shaping one i wanted to try. found it. IN BLACK mind you, which is what i was wanting to buy. so into a dressing room i go. me and my 5 fab bras.

try on first one... my two boobs, turned into 4. no thanks. my two are more than i want to carry. try on second one... not really feeling it. move onto third... WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY BOOBS!?! try on the fourth... this one was the one that's a size up from my norm... yeah. FROM my norm. meaning - the sized up version ... is now my NORM. i hear a sales gal outside talking to another customer whom she just measuered as a 36 DD bra wearer. i sorta cringed. i poked my head out asked if she'd measure me and of course she did.

so there i am, arms out forming myself into a 't'. she wraps her tape around the under part.. announces i'm a 36. thank goodness. i mean, at least THAT didn't change. then she does the boobs. 'you're a double d.' HUH? i'm sorry i'm a WHAT? i didn't actually SAY that in so many words, but i do think i said this...'how can i be a size 8 and have double d breasts! do i look that big?' and i was dead serious.

am i all boob? HAVE i BEEN all boob? (i didn't actually say that either) now, she was a petite gal that would resemble a wall if you get my meaning... so her way of comforting me was by saying this, 'i wish i had your problem. you'll look great in t-shirts.' yeah, cause THAT'S what i'm going for. after she left - to get me some other DD bras to try no less - i stood there. in my black pencil skirt and this new 36DD black bra. holy moly - i have DD boobs. i truly was in shock. i actually tried on one bra with cups so HUGE it could've made a decent yameka (however you spell that) for a jewish man.

i bought the damn bra. i'm wearing it now actually and oddly, it feels really good. i also bought a pair of $39 fold-down waist yoga pants for a mere 7 bucks. and let me tell you... they make my booty look like j.lo's. LOVE IT. they're ultra soft and they hide my little c-section pouch which is ALWAYS an added bonus. if only i could wear them out in PUBLIC! =)

don't it make my brown eyes blue

okay so i got them... blue contacts. after obtaining advice from those close to me... ie lyn... to NOT do it.. i did it.

the results? not good. i wore them two days in a row... here's how it went..

day 1: insert into eye... feels VERY different than clear ones. thicker almost. lenses don't sit perfectly on eye. up close it looks as though i have a thick arc of black either on the top of the colored part or beneath it.. depending on how the colored lense is slipping. yes SLIPPING. people at work noticed sorta... but few commented. my boss said 'i can't get used to you with those blue eyes.' a work friend said, 'it's very different but they look SO real.' she is referred to as 'a plastic' so you can take that comment as you like it. i did. =) now my FAMILY thought it was amazing. my dad was crazy over them. my mom i think was a bit more calm in her comments. she really didn't say much more than 'they look nice.' lies. lies. LIES.

day 2: this is the day of our office party.... so i figured what better way to debut the new eyes than here... again, no comments. except one. one which forced me to realize that blue eyes are clearly NOT me, nor could they ever BE me. a fellow lunch-bunch pal sat across from me while we were eating and said...'dude, what is WRONG with your face?!'

and there you have it folks... what is WRONG with my face? i tried blue contacts.. for a mere two days. i wanted to see what they were like and how i'd look. apparently, not good. so i no longer wear them. i have 3 pair of them, but i figure... you know, if i wanna give it another go i can. just not at work. not EVER at work.

i was meant to have the brown eyes God gave me at birth. they're not so bad.

we are family

post number two of 2007 and i'm doing well with the title thing. (i think anyway)

my grandmother and aunt are visiting from arizona... i think i mentioned that earlier. well, wednesday, my grandma took a turn in the wrong direction - healthwise. she had caught what we all thought was a bug, but clearly it was the beginning of something more severe. friday am she was taken to a local urgent care center and then transported to a local hospital for admission. she was dehydrated, off balance body chemistry and a nasty infection. i had never seen her in quite a state of mental confusion. she's 91 years old and in all my life, she has always had all her faculties. never confused, never forgetful, never ever talking about things that clearly weren't there.

we all took turns staying in the hospital so she wouldn't be alone at anytime. her mother apparently died peacefully in a hospital shortly after admission... alone. so that's a fear of my aunt and mom. by saturday, she was improving. not 100% better, but not talking about spotted dogs being on her bed or flies buzzing around the room. that in and of itself was a HUGE improvement. to be quite honest, it scared me a little bit. i used to work with seniors who suffered from alzheimer's and dementia but my grandma wasn't ever affected by that horrible disease. and happily she is not affected by it today.

her electrolytes were out of whack. once her body got back to normal, so did her head. she came home today and although she spent most of the day in bed, she looked a WORLD better than she did in the previous days. her color had come back, as best it can for a 90 year old, and she was eating sooo much better.

my dad and i had a rather heated fight earlier this evening. while it's too painful to go into deep detail right now, suffice it to say i was informed, rather strongly, that my choices and decisions in my life are wrong. and that i'm too much of a pushover and i need to be a bully. this stems from asking HIM something earlier in the evening and i didn't get the exact result i had hoped for, but i got part of it and i was pleased. my father, was less than pleased and proceeded to let me, and most of the neighbors, know about it.

the good thing from all this is that i needed to cry. for my grandma and for myself. i guess the fight allowed me to do that. i make mistakes, sometimes everyday of the week. but they are MY mistakes and no one elses. i'm learning that slowly and i'm also learning FROM them.

i figure if i started 2007 with tears of sadness and confusion, surely i'll end 2007 with tears of joy and happiness... right?

auld lang syne

happy new year!

i find it very funny that for the last 2 months the food channel has been telling us what to serve at our parties, dinners, social events, etc... complete with gobs of butter, sugar and alcohol... and now that the new year is upon us, it's all about how to focus on weight loss goals and stay fit and healthy in 2007. ironic that they might have helped make us fat and NOW they wanna help us get fit again. i just think it's funny i guess...

so it's another new year. 2007. holy cow i'll be 35 this year. well, i've decided to give this whole healthy kick a shot this year. i'm going to call a local gym tomorrow and inquire about the membership hoo-ha. i kinda think if i know up front i can commit to at LEAST 3 days of work out, then i'll be okay. i'm also uncertain if i'd follow thru, but i think paying helps. or i HOPE it will. note that i have not officially committed as of yet. i'm merely going to call. i might not join tomorrow. i might just resolve to working out at home. i have free weights here and i did get pretty good at using them. i also used to do crunches on my own, push ups and so on. so i might just get back into that. i tend to feel better about myself if i'm making at attempt to take care of my body.

i'm using the motto 'nothing ventured, nothing gained' this year. i'm not sure how it's going to work out for me, but i figured, if i try nothing, i'll get nothing in return. and i've been single long enough. i'd like to go out on a date or two. GOOD ones mind you. not the kind of date where my suitor talks on his cell phone all night or gawks at other women as we're eating dinner. yeah, been there... done that. this year... i'm gonna try and be more chatty with the opposite sex. from guys i work with who i know are available and guys i meet. there's a super cute dad at matilda's school, so i'm gonna make it my goal to get to know him a bit better.

i plan to continue my efforts at patience and continue in my quest of raising matilda to be a fun, sweet girl with good manners. we have a load of fun together i think, and i'd like to continue that trend.

i'm going to try to NOT feel guilty about wanting a life and trying to have one. i tend to feel guilty if i ask my parents to watch matilda so i can enjoy a night out with friends... i'm going to work on those feelings and try to remember that it's good for both of us to have a change of scenery once in a while.

i thought i'd try to use song titles as my blog entry titles. that will be difficult because trying to find songs that fit my entries, well, it might not be all that easy, but i'm gonna give it a shot.

update on my book reading... i read about 15 books last year. so i met my goal. there were some i started but didn't finish so i didn't count those. my favorites were 'the devil wears prada', 'the assistants', 'fatal distraction or how i conquered my addiction to celebrities and got a life', the second assistant' and finally, 'the first assistant'. i also rather liked teri hatcher's book 'burnt toast'.

so that's it. i'm not going to set any goals for myself about how many books i want to read or how often i'm going to blog / journal... instead, i'm going to get better in tune with my physical, mental and emotional self. and try to snag a guy here and there.

wish me luck!