road warrior

so just when you think life can't throw anymore curve balls at you... it does. and it's up to you, or me in this case, to figure out how i want to deal with it. so here it goes...

i'm a fairly safe driver. i don't put makeup on while driving, i rarely talk on my cell phone behind the wheel, don't fiddle with beepers, radio channel changes or anything. i focus on the road ahead of me. now i will admit that i was PARTIALLY at fault for my wreck several months back, and believe you me, i paid dearly for the error of my driving ways. i had nothing to do with the wreck i was in with my parents, in their car, i just happened to bring bad karma TO the car since i was sitting in it.

which brings me to now. well saturday to be exact. mom, dad, matilda and me were driving back from downtown on our way to eat lunch. i was driving my beautiful new mazda (which i simply refer to as 'the best car i've ever owned') and all of a sudden, someone, a woman no less, decided her lane wasn't exactly working for her and she wanted in mine. only catch is - i was still IN mine. she 'clipped me' as dad shouted after impact and we pulled over to assess the damage and to get information. you know, to be honest, i didn't want to give her my insurance information.. it was clearly her fault - she admitted to that on the scene - why should i give her my insurance info. i did though. must play nice right?

after alot, and i mean ALOT, of shaking i scribbled down her information and slowly made my way back to my parent's so i could begin calling in my new auto claim. and 3 days later - i'm still trying to talk to the adjustor assigned to my case.

so i ask you... IS karma real? and if so, can you please tell her to lighten up a little? or maybe it's a sign that i should get a bus pass. whatever the case may be - i've chosen to view this as lightly as i can. i cringe when i see my rear bumper hanging down. and to be honest, it's not THAT bad - but it's a new car so anything would bother me really.

anywho.. what's done is done. can't go back and fix it, can't do anything but accept what happened and move on. 'that which does not kill us makes us stronger' they say. and i do believe that to be true. i also believe that 'everything happens for a reason' but i can't think of what reason that woman had to ram me.

all in all, life is still good. if anything i'm learning how truly capable i am, and that will help me become a stronger person. so if you run into me on the street... and i don't mean with your car... watch out. i'm one tough cookie! =)

it's official...

... i'm in love... no not with mani/pedi guy... with the new natasha bedingfield song 'unwritten'.

i was an avid ally mcbeal watcher back in the day, even had the mini skit suits ally wore. i loved how she had a theme song and whenever she needed a pick-me-up she'd imagine her 'pips' were behind her singing her inner theme song. well, 'unwritten' is mine. i have no 'pips'. because nsync is no longer together so what's the point with having back ups. =) anywho... check out the song - and the lyrics. it's perfect for new beginnings i think.

i should get some 'pips' though. jc probably doesn't have much going on these days. ;)

mani/pedi

okay so you know by now i'm becoming high maintenance. NOT something i'm proud of, but when you carry a coach purse around i guess eventually manicured nails and pretty toes follow. who knew!

so last night i went to get my mani/pedi... little did i know i'd be entertained by the brother of the salon. okay so he was not that entertaining, but i have to give him snaps cause he sure had lots to say.

i learned more about this guy in the hour i was sitting in the chair than i know about my boss of 2 years. he just moved to this area from LA and was going to join his brother's business... doing nails. weird i thought - considering he said he was a computer programmer. but hey - who am i to judge.

so i'm basically held captive by this guy, i mean, i'm in this huge chair, my feet soaking in water - i'm literally at his mercy. and my cell phone never rang once to save me. i might have even talked to a bill collector to escape his constant banter.

i think at one point he tried to pick me up too. i'm not saavy in how guys do this yet, but i think he tried. he failed, but i think he tried. he made little comments here and there about my smile being 'gorgeous' and how he was 'surprised by my modesty'... huh? okay, fine, whatever. it was weird.

and the craziest thing of all... have no clue what his name is. not a clue. i never asked of course - nor did he tell me. i'm a little nervous cause i paid with a credit card and if he truly is a computer geek... he could track me down. and the security gates at my apartment aren't working. of course - maybe if i were to hook up with him, i'd get free mani/pedi's. might have to consider that one.

good friday

since it's good friday, i thought i'd reflect on this week and let you in on how my life has been going... interesting that's for sure.

the finalization of my newfound freedom continues to be a burden.. both financially and mentally. HIM (that's how i've decided to refer to my ex-husband - i'm sure there's an appropriate acronym i could form but that'll have to wait) has decided to nail me down to things we agreed to outside the courthouse... he's made certain that if i falter on his alimony payments - i have to pay a lump sum at one time... this pisses me off mainly because i thought we had made some headway into forming conversations - granted they were all thru email, but at least we were civil to each other.. then he goes and redeems himself the ass i always thought he was. moving on... =)

still haven't heard from my fix-everything-for-her-own-self friend at work. and you know what.. i'm finally sleeping thru the night. ever since i haven't talked to her - i have better sleep each night. it's amazing how a little clarity can make miracles happen.

i've decided to update my 2006 resolutions. the one where i do something for myself once a week.. yeah, well - make that every two weeks - cause i'm a mani/pedi girl now. you see i used to make fun of girls who'd religiously get their nails done and what not, but now - i have become one. and you know what... so what! it makes me feel good and it frankly completes my appearance. plus - it's summer and i have to have pretty toes!

i was told by a work friend that i am not the same person i was a year ago. and she meant it in a positive way. said i had lost alot of weight - which i have - i look different and i act different. those are both true statements. i've found out who i am i think. i love life now more than i ever have before. it's weird how all of a sudden you see things differently. it's also refreshing to discover yourself in the process.

i've also made an executive decision, a rather hard one sorta - but necessary i think. i have many items still at HIM's house. items that are mine - awarded to me by the judge hee hee - and i haven't made arrangements to pick them up yet. for quite a while actually. honestly, i don't want to even deal with him at all, but i know i have to get this stuff out. so my gal pal lyn told me i needed to get rid of everything i was 'awarded'. the clothes were a given - don't fit. but the decorative things - that was a little harder to agree to. but she's right. i need to get rid of them. those things were the old me, and she's 100% right. my dad agreed also. so, i've decided to get rid of them. may even make a few bucks off it. i've got nice stuff you know! =)

la otra mujer

si, mi espanol muy bien. no? yeah, i know - i'm on crack. anyway... i picked up matilda from daycare a day ago and she RUNS up to me - with a huge smile... one a child might have as they open the bestest christmas present ever... and says proudly... 'mommy! guess what! daddy said he's gonna get me a baby brother.. a REAL one!'

now people, i can't BEGIN to tell you what i felt at that moment. joy? confusion? anger? it was a frappacino of emotions... i looked at the only other adult near me, lex - daycare keeper, and said, 'what..' that's all i could say. she just blew it off like it was something normal kids say all the time. like 'i want a toy' or 'i need to go potty'. maybe it is something kids say everyday - but not MY KID.

anyway... i have no idea what that means - maybe nothing, maybe everything. i'm sure when i pick her up tomorrow i'll get an update.

hasta manana!

in the wee small hours of the morning...

i'm jealous of matilda. yes indeed. so jealous, i can't sleep at night. and i have no good reason folks. none. i'm jealous because as i lie awake at 2am, 3am, 4am - i look at her peaceful face and wish badly i was in such a pleasant slumber. so... since i'm destined to wake up at the crack of dawn... earlier than that even, i thought i'd let you peek inside my twisted mind so you too can know what it's like to be in my head... here's a short list of what i thought as i lie in bed one morning at 2am...

1) why do i drink so much water?
2) my clock says 2:12am, but what time is it REALLY?
3) i want a shrimp poboy. (for the record i had a really good one about a week ago and would kill for another one.)
4) what was that noise? (this spiraled into many thoughts about what that noise could have been. total time wasted on this thought = 10 min)
5) which shoes should i wear tomorrow?
6) need to stop drinking water after 9pm.
7) why would that woman put on mascara while driving?
8) okay what was THAT noise?
9) okay so it's 3:45am, if i fall asleep now i'll get about 45 min of sleep. (not even possible)
10) i need to figure out why my toilet isn't flushing well.
11) don't forget to throw out that milk.
12) add milk to the shopping list.

the list is too long to continue. why is it that we can't shut our brains off to sleep. i mean, we're tired... it's dark outside... we're lying in bed for goodness sake... sleep is guaranteed right? i mean, we are OWED that, right? well, apparently not for me... and i know i'm not alone. i mean, every night i see ads for ambien and lunesta - which i'm not against trying - so there must be a ton of non sleepers out there. maybe there's a support group. must look into that. =)

chips y salsa por favor

as i embarked fresh into 2006, i set up several 'acheiveable' resolutions. ones that would improve me as a person... so i thought anyway. here's what i resolved to do in 2006:

1) read one book per month
2) do something for myself once a week
3) eliminate negative relationships in my life
4) keep a daily journal

here's how i'm doing so far....

1) i have read a total of 6, yes SIX, books this year. that equates to 2 books per month. and NO i'm not reading great works of english literature, but i'm also not reading smutty books - of course i'm not exactly counting out the smut just yet. i'm reading fiction novels - mostly about hollywood or the entertainment industry. my favorite so far has been 'the assistants' by robin lynn williams. the best $3.98 i've ever spent. i'm reading 'the devil wears prada' now. so far so good.
2) this one was harder than i thought. i wanted to do something fun and i thought about enrolling in a salsa class. i've always loved the music and thought i might meet new people, but then i also thought i'd be the poor sad lonely girl with no partner.. so i 86ed that one. then i thought i'd keep along those lines and take a spanish language class. a friend at work attends one, in the conf room next to my cube no less, and i thought i'd join. i bought my book, went to 3 classes and got bored with it. i still read my book and learn words that i'm not familiar with, but as far as being a regular student... negative ghostrider... i've decided to find myself a cute spanish guy. i figure, he can not only teach me the language, but he could also teach me the salsa dancing i'm wanting to learn. i'll keep you posted on how that works out for me. :3) this is another one that's easier said than done. i eliminated one relationship, i shouldn't say 'eliminated' cause we have a child that will forever link us to one another, but we no longer have to live with each other - and that's the most important thing i think. as far as the other negative relationship (see april's fool), well i don't quite know what to do. we haven't said anything to one another, via phone, face to face or email since i cancelled. i sent the last bit of communication, so in my book - the ball's in her court. keep you posted on this one as well.
4) the daily journal i kept up for about a month and a half and realized as i re-read it.. i'm one boring ass person. so i stopped writing. no one would ever want to read that. i write much better blog material than journal material. so i've decided to sub the blog for my journal. now if i could only manage to write a blog entry everyday... i'll work on it. with every new day, there's fresh hope.

april's fool

you know how the side mirrors on cars have that disclaimer that says: 'objects in mirror might appear closer than they actually are' or something like that anyway... well i've decided i, too, should have a disclaimer: 'does not see people for who they actually are'. maybe on a pin or a t-shirt or something. here's why...

i've got a friend at work, who i've known for the entire time i've worked there... she was my boss although we never had that boss/employee relationship, it was more friendship than anything. well, we talked about my single-dom and she felt it her duty, since i had made such a poor choice the first time around, that she should help me find mr. right now. thru a friend of her friend. meaning - she has never met this guy. not once. knows nothing about him except what her friend tells her. which could be lies. who knows! SHE doesn't. but apparently, he's good enough for me. mr. who-knows. mm hmm..

like a FOOL i agree to go meet him at her house.. a weekend dinner party. her, her husband, her friends (also husband and wife) me and mr. who-knows. keep in mind i'm a fool okay? i agreed. here's WHY i agreed. for my friend. not for me, nope... i said i'd meet mr. who-knows to please HER. yeap. i have landed myself in the exact same place i vowed NEVER to go again. doing things to please others without pleasing myself.

when i realized what i had done, i decided i should tell my friend how i felt and how good it feels to finally recognize where i'd gone wrong for so many years. i just knew she'd be understanding and proud of me for finally (after 15 years) doing something for me.

WRONG! oh yeah, she said i was full of BS (literally she said that) and that i was lying to myself and that she'd been where i was and that she made mistakes and is still suffering for them - blah blah blah. now i ask you, how in the HELL can my self discovery open up a door for HER to tell ME about HER mistakes. i went from feeling free to feeling like mud on the bottom of someone's shoe. HER shoe to be exact.

now this entire conversation was via e-mail so i replied back that i was speaking honestly and was hurt that she thought otherwise - blah blah blah... and she said something back again about her mistakes and how one day i'd wake up... i didn't reply again. it was pointless.

i've known for a long time that i needed to let go of this friendship because friends should NEVER make you feel bad for anything. right? i mean, i'm right about THAT at least right? well not this friendship. most everything said can be taken on a twist about how SHE dealt with it, how SHE did this or that.. conversations seldom were about anything other than her and her life. you see how she twisted my experiences into her own right? well trust me, SHE DID!

anyway, i've decided to continue on in my journey of self discovery and limit my interaction with her. it's just simply not healthy. i feel bad about myself whenever i'm around her. i lose sleep over things she's said to me. for the first time in ages, i chose to NOT do something because SOMEONE else wanted me to do it and i get hit with a slam from her. no more.

i can only learn from my own mistakes - no one else's. and that's what i'm going to do. mr. who-knows could've been a great guy. probably is in fact. but the bottom line is that i'm simply not ready to meet him. nor anyone. i don't want OR need to be set up with random guys. i'm not THAT desperate and lonely. perhaps after a year maybe... ;-)

i'm 33 1/2, recently divorced from a husband... now i've gotta figure out how to divorce a friend. i wonder if hallmark has a card for that?

random thoughts while driving

now i'm not sure how many of you do this, but i'm hoping i'm not the only one...

yesterday my parents and i were driving around town and, while at a stop light, we noticed the car beside us. it had two different hubcabs, one dull and plain, the other fancy and very 'bling'. beside the blinged out one was a nice sized dent in the rear bumper area.

now we don't know this person... nor will we be likely to EVER know this person, just happened to be at the same stop light... but in the few minutes that passed, we had assumed why she had different hubcaps and how she must have gotten that dent. we had construed an entire story about the condition of her car. why? who knows...

we watched her drive off and the only thing that would've been a good ending is if that blinged out hubcap flew off... it didn't.

one thing i noticed while driving to work friday was that women, not all mind you, CAN be bad drivers. i mean, i saw a woman... on the freeway... putting on mascara. MASCARA! i can see putting on lipstick, because honestly, i do that but MASCARA! the last thing anyone should do is put a pokey object anywhere NEAR their eye while. driving. a. car. ON THE FREEWAY!

how much trouble is it to put your make up on AT HOME? wake up a few minutes earlier and do it there... in the safety of your own bathroom and NOT while driving on a 70mph freeway. PLEASE!

another thing... and this truly happened to me once before... why do men think they can pick up women ANYWHERE? i was driving home one afteroon, on the same freeway as mascara girl no less, and this guy passed me up... that's fine speed your way home. then he slowed down so i could pass HIM up. these games don't amuse me, they actually freak me out. anyway, i'm driving, i pass him then he drives up beside me. evenly driving beside me and smiles. now, we're driving like 75mph here, people. i glance quickly to see if he's holding up a gun or something, he's not; however he IS motioning for me to hold up my left hand ring finger... yes indeed - picking me up at 75mph. i guess that deserves a little credit considering the location... however, how desperate can he be that his only pick up opportunity is on the freeway? i hold up my left hand, to merely humor him, my ring visable (still married at that time) and he gave me the 'aw shucks' sign and sped away.

now that i'm single - he'll never show up again. good thing too cause when he saw my ring free finger, he might rear end my car to get me to pull over and then beat me and take my belongings leaving me for dead. or he could be prince charming... it's a gamble either way.

flight to freedom

my life changed, along with my marital status, this past tuesday. now, considering this whole thing began, technically last july, i was somewhat ready for this day to come. our divorce process took almost as long as brad and jen's and we had no where NEAR the assets they did... financial OR physical. but nonetheless, our day came.

now my anxiety level was in overload... and when i think of other times i felt this way i remember my fear of flying. for those of you who either have this fear or have witnessed my own, you know what i'm talking about.

i popped a xanax 45 min before d-time; much like i do when it's flight time. it has ample time to fully take effect so that i am functional, but yet carefree. a perfect union.

now i found that going to the courthouse is alot like going to the airport... parking is a nightmare, you walk thru a metal detector, scan your carry-on items and make your way to the terminal, er ah courtroom. the baliff can serve as the ticket taker, showing you to your seat; although in the courtroom setting the baliff can ask you to leave if you talk too much - thankfully for me they can't do that on a plane. the judge, of course, is the pilot. sitting in his special seat with his computer to ensure he doesn't get off track. i guess the court reporter can be the flight attendant although she never offered me a drink nor a bag of peanuts.

my flight companion, i.e. attorney, stayed in the cockpit most of the time, getting prepared for our big departure. which, in all actuality took a whole 5 minutes to get thru. i was amazed at the number of women who were there for the same reason i was... to file for divorce. WOMEN! i wasn't the only one. there were many of us. it surprised me for some reason to see that.

the first woman went in front of the 'pilot' and answered her questions as asked by her flight companion and i noticed she was crying the entire time. see, that's the whole reason for xanax. for me at least. and it worked for me. i wished i could've offered her my extra pill. oh well. maybe it was a final release for her.

my time came and i stood before the pilot, my atty on my left, my soon-to-be-ex-spouse on my right and his atty to his right. oddly, it was almost like our wedding day except instead of attendants, we had lawyers and instead of a priest we had a judge. odd how things work out that way... anywho... i answered my questions, perfectly if i might say so myself and it was his turn. now this is the moment i dreaded. he is a drama king and i almost expected one of those scenes you see on court-tv where the defendant goes berserk and the baliff takes them down like a pro wrestler... well nothing like that happened. sadly. but he did say something that will stick with me for a long time. when the pilot asked me if i was there to seek divorce i simply said 'yes.' he on the other hand, said 'yes PLEASE grant this divorce.' PLEASE? PLEASE!? like it's been torture for him to go thru this process... well he did counterfile on me for cruel treatment. maybe it was. anyway... it was over in about 5 minutes flat.

i went back to my seat and talked with my dad who showed up to support me and that's when the ticket taker asked us to be quiet. we did and then giggled quietly. i had no idea i would feel so alive after such a cruicial change took place. but i did.

to be honest, it still hasn't sunk in yet. i lie in bed sometimes reminding myself that i am officially a single woman. it's gonna take me a long time to realize that i don't have to worry what he'll say about things i do anymore. i no longer have to ask to buy something, i no longer have to justify my whereabouts at any hour of the day, i can go to lunch with friends and not worry about him grilling me over it for an hour when i get home. i no longer have to go thru the horrible justification of each and every atm i had in my wallet. no matter how much or how little it might be. i called the shots now. if i'm broke cause i bought an expensive purse - it's my fault and i have to figure it out.

it's going to take a while for me to get past the past. i worried so much about what he would think if i did this or that (and this was even WHEN we were still married). i had to get my story straight before i talked with him about anything... why i bought that or why i didn't call when i was suppose to. i remember all the times he made me feel bad for feeling good about things and knowing i won't have to go thru that again brings me some comfort; however the emotional scars will take longer to heal, and i'm prepared for that. i need that. and i will heal. all in good time.