bumpy roads

so friday, while on a lunch outing with work friends, the check engine light shines brightly from my panel. i mildly panic but then remember just a month ago i had the 20k mile service done. all should be fine and dandy. i take the car in early am yesterday, get to work via the parental units and beging my day. my dad was going to pick up matilda from school then shuttle us to the dealership to pick up my car. that, unfortunately did not happen as planned.

at 320pm my office phone rings. it's mom. 'daddy's been in a wreck.' now, there are two things that you think upon the instant... 1) was matilda with him? 2) is he okay? the answers to those were no and yes, respectively. the car - was not okay. so i'm at work, no car. my child is at school waiting for her granddaddy to rescue her, no car and panic sets in. for everyone. at the same time.

i tell mom we need to leave, find a ride to the dealership so we can a) get my car, b) get matilda and finally c) get my dad. that was our plan with which we executed rather well. a friend from work happily accepted my request for a ride and we were off. mom was freaking out mildly because she knew my dad was freaking out bigtime and she had no way to get to him.

we made good time considering the time of day and the amount of traffic we endured. picked up matilda, all smiles which is so very sweet, then trekked over to meet my dad, who apparently was sitting on the side of the road downtown. we get there, he's shaken and stirred to say the least, but knows a trip to the local ER is in order. we go, sit, wait, sit, wait, wait some more and then we go. he's fine... clean bill of health - more or less - and with a few meds on board. all in all, he's fine.

their car, their ONE and ONLY car, is totally totalled. totally. so, again, our family endures a wreck. it was about a year ago i was in a nasty wreck leaving my car totalled and my body banged up fairly good; then, while riding with the parent's, another wreck, in which their car was totalled. i endured a minor fender bender about 6 months after getting a new fabulous car... and now - dad is in another wreck... much worse than anything he's been in before. i'm beginning to think that maybe we're cursed or something. but then i remember i don't believe in curses. i do believe in karma though... so that's got me on high alert every waking moment of the day.

along came a kitty...

... and her name was wendy. i wanted to name her lola. merely only to title this blog as 'her name was lola...' and then finish with the copacabana song lyrics, but matilda liked the name 'wendy'. so wendy she shall be.

yes, we have a new member of the family and she is of the 4 legged, long hair, long tail and long whisker persuasion. very sweet. matilda adores her and oddly, wendy seems to adore matilda. she talks alot. no.. a. lot. so much that i worry my neighbors will complain. she's a teeny kitty but her lungs are strong and powerful. so i hope she grows out of the chattiness she has introduced us to recently.

we adopted her from a local organization and have been so happy to welcome her into our little home. matilda can't wait to see her and updates me on her every move around our casa. 'she jumped off the bed mommy!' 'she went under the bed mommy!' 'ooh - she's drinking her water!' it's very cute. matilda is in charge of treat giving. except, wendy doesn't seem to like the treats we bought her. another trip to the store is in order so we can find treats that are acceptable.

soo... one day when i figure out how to post a photo of wendy, i shall do so. until then... i'll fill you in on the daily adventures of matilda and her chatty kitten.

frustrations

so a couple days ago, i had dinner with some very good friends while matilda hung out with her dad for a couple hours... the evening went fantastic for me (and i hope for matilda)... the pick up afterwards... well, here's a run down...

again, i leave wishing i had said something more than what i did say... matilda was more than ready to go with me, which was a pleasant surprise for me, and a not-so-pleasant surprise for HIM. he had to ask her for a hug and kiss bye. she sighed and went back to him, did the hug/kiss combo and scurried back towards my car. then he says, 'so tomorrow i'll meet you at 530pm.' i had a combination look of shock and disgust as i said, 'i thought you were picking up matilda tomorrow.' to which he says, 'well i get off at 4pm so i can meet you at 530pm.' i grumbled 'fine, whatever' and left. it wasn't until i was driving home that what he truly said hit me.

if he's OFF at 4pm, what's to prevent HIM from driving up after he's off to pick up his daughter? nothing but the lack of caring i think. so we drive home, matilda's calm and cool singing away to marc anthony and all of a sudden, i'm the only one singing. she is totally crashed. so when we finally get home, she climbs out of the car... now, i didn't notice this until it was too late.. but her left foot was asleep. i noticed her walking sideways almost and then i looked at her feet and the left one, well, was like folded up ... she was basically walking on the ankle part. now i wanted to carry her cause she was clearly freaked out by this experience, but i had my arms full of her backpack, lunchbox, her baby, stuffed lion, my purse and two sets of keys. my hands were clearly full.

i tried to make the situation funny for her and asked if her foot was tingling. my question was met with quite possibly the most evil look a 4 year old can give. i shook it off and hurried into the building. now we had two minor flights of stairs to battle. she did well, stumbling on occasion but she never asked me to pick her up. which i thought was very bold.

we get inside and she crawls right into bed, curls up and falls back asleep in the very same clothes she was wearing at HIM's house. old ratty shorts and a chinese food stained shirt. i didn't have the heart to battle her to get into her jammies. so i just let her sleep that way. no bath, no night clothes, no brushing of the teeth before bed. she was exhausted, i was feeling bad that i put her thru this, so we both drifted off to sleep together.

i don't know that i'm going to agree to another one of these 3 hour visits with HIM. if he can't get his schedule fixed for her, that's going to be his problem. her routine was messed up and she knew it, i knew it and neither of us liked it.

well when i got to work yesterday - i decided to email HIM and let him know i had an appt at 530 and i wasn't going to reschedule it. we need to meet earlier and closer to the city. i waited, waited and waited some more. finally at noon i decide to call HIM's office since i hadn't heard from HIM in 4 hours. the office mgr answers... we chat quickly and then she tells me that he wasn't at work today. wasn't. at. work. today. this from a man who didn't want to leave early to pick up his ONLY daughter from school... AFTER I DROVE HER TO HIS SORRY ASS SO HE COULD SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH HER. (which incidently, was chinese food dinner with his girlfriend. who i suspect was hidden inside the house when i went to pick up matilda, but i digress) soo.. the office mgr tells me he stayed home 'sick'. SICK. YOU THINK? yeah he's sick all right. in the head. so i call his cell phone. i could tell he was aggitated i called him at all during the day. it was about 130 i think. i tell HIM about my email request and that i need to meet him at 5pm so i can make my appt. (now, i had no appt but i had already gone out of my way yesterday, i wanted to go home early, veg out and hit the sack early too.) he sounded pissy but agreed. and yet AGAIN!!! after i hung up, i realized - this moron can leave at 3pm and make it to pick up matilda because he's at HOME. but he never offered that. never, not once. and i, like a big baffoon agree to meet him earlier than planned. why? why can't i think more on my feet? i never have been able to do that really well and now is when i need to.

well, anyway - i was cold as ice at the drop off yesterday. only acknowledged him to tell him i had a copy of the school fundraiser stuff in her backpack in case he wanted to help. i grabbed matilda's face, gave her mulitple kisses and told her 'hasta manana!' to which HIM rolled his eyes. jealous of course because i know more spanish than him. ;-) he tried to take her backpack from her and she barked, 'no that's mine!' loved that.

so, all in all, i guess she had a fun time with HIM last night. i'll find out today when i pick her up from school. i'm trying to realize that i owe him nothing and that the only connection we have is matilda. the problem with that is that i put matilda before anything else, even it means HIM will benefit somehow... i hope one day HIM can put matilda in the front of everything where she belongs.... only time will tell.

Highly Into Myself...

yes, that's the meaning behind HIM's acronym. i knew one day i'd figure out what H.I.M. stood for and HIM actually gave me the idea. because, while i was oblivious to HIM's behavior during the marriage, i am all too aware of it now. almost as if now i'm on the outside looking in.

you see, HIM has a dilema. his work exceeds everything else on HIM's list of priorities, even outranking matilda. HIM is working one of the mornings he needs to get matilda to school. sooo in HIM's masterful mind, his solution, oh brilliant one, was to ask me if matilda could be late for school that day. could. matilda. be. late. for. school. which was the equivalent of asking me, 'say beck - you wanna get your feet run over by a semi?' ummm NO. i replied to HIM with the 'no, matilda can't be late for school...' which was met with the solution to spend a few hours with her after school and then she'll come home with me so I can take her to school the next morning... i have no problem in the world with this of course. my PROBLEM, however is that HIM had no intentions of even PICKING her up from school.

HIM casually says via e-mail because we both still can't speak to each other, 'so you meet me at 'x' location at 'x' time and then meet back again at 'x' time.' ummm again - i was floored. i replayed what HIM had just said and added, 'this makes no sense to me at all... you waste half you visit time in travel.' to which HIM said, 'well i could probably get to her school in 45 min - i get off work at 5pm...' this just infuriated me even more.... you see - HIM is taking extra shifts to help out... and it doesn't occur to HIM to ask his boss who is SO far up HIM's bootie, if he could leave work a little earlier so he could pick up his daughter. NOPE. NOT POSSIBLE.

the end result was me arranging to visit with my friends, thus taking matilda to HIM - which i don't want to do simply because HIM will benefit, but i do want to see my friends so i guess it works out okay. it still irritates me that HIM thought more of his job than his child. i know i can't fix that and i know i can't make him realize what he's doing is not right... but what can you do... i put matilda first and foremost and i hope one day she'll notice the difference.

blah, blah, blog

okay so matilda is doing fine with the school thing. she still has the look of fear in her eyes, but each day we get better and better. tomorrow, HIM will take her to school so i've instructed HIM on our routine. (which technically was a GOOD thing, but i wish i had let HIM figure stuff out on his own) - live and learn right?

that being said... on to an update on ME! i cut my hair. it's now about an inch and a half above my shoulders and when i have enough time to flat iron my entire head of hair... it looks pretty darn groovy. flat, smooth and groovy. when i DON'T have the time, which is most often the case, I make it work for me by styling it a bit loose and touseled. i dono - it works for hollywood types.

i've got another girls' night out tomorrow night. another birthday party outing. this time, not much different from that last outing with the gals, we're going to a bar and then will 'hang out' at a club for the rest of the night. hmmmm see - doesn't sound like my cup of tea, but then again - what else am i gonna do? beats watching HGTV at my parent's house right? i get more stressed trying to figure out what to wear. maybe i'll don my cute and casual black dress and sandals. it's casual but with a basic black dress feel. plus, it shows off 'the girls' and that's usually a good thing.

last night i was sucked into the dramatic finale to 'so you think you can dance'. and i was actually rooting for one of the final two competitors. the one i liked won, so that was a good thing but i now question my tv sensibility. i watch the LAST episode? maybe that's the key to everything. they do recaps for an hour so you get to see the good stuff and see who wins - all in a 2 hour program. once it was over, matilda and i started reading a book we'd be TRYING to read for the last week... she fell asleep halfway thru it and i saw no point in finishing 'emily's first 100 days of school' without her.

so.... that's the most up to date events going on with me. tonight, i will be alone. to do what i want - which will be to clean. yes. matilda has decided to drag out EVERYTHING from her closet INTO the living room. quilts, baby clothes, dolls, old cell phones, games - you name it, it's in the living room. she did help me pick up some thing last night, but there's still more to do. tomorrow i'll vacuum. doesn't THAT sound fun!

school daze: day 4

technically today was day number 4, however for matilda i'm sure she thinks it's only day 3... today is better. not great, but better. we made a deal. mommy would stay until her teacher comes to gather her students. when that happens, mommy goes to work and she goes with her teacher to the classroom. so far, it's okay.

today she had the big teary eyes and red nose - but no tears actually fell down and no more self inflicted vomit episodes either. (thankfully) she just looks scared still and nervous, but she knows she's safe with her teacher and she also knows mommy is coming to pick her up when she's done with work.

today is picture day so i'm crossing my fingers all goes well and she looks happy in her very first ever school picture. i'm so excited. i spent a small forture on the package but it will be well worth it. my matilda is adorable and looks so sweet in her little uniform dress.

soo - all is well so far. tomorrow it can only get better. right? RIGHT!

school daze: day 2

okay so the first day of school was a complete success for matilda. i picked her up after school and she was all smiles, which really calmed my weary heart. the weekend was filled with school talk, teacher talk and lunch talk. so that really eased my weary mind. until today....

THE SECOND DAY OF SCHOOL... did NOT go quite as i had hoped... here's a run-down...
we got to the school a bit after 7am, walked inside and it started again, 10 times worse. she was crying. silent but very present crying. i walked into the room with her, they were watching finding nemo and i was sooo excited about that cause she had wanted to watch it this weekend but it wasn't on disney again. she didn't care today.

i walked over to the floor mat with her and sat her down in knelt beside her, which was tough cause of the crazy shoes AND my bad knees. =) so i'm squatting there and she hugs me... then she coughs. and i know what's next. and i was right. she made herself throw up. nothing but bile, but still. it's the simple fact that she's scared to death to the extreme point to induce vomitting. i felt awful... for her. i felt so horrible but i know school is the best thing. and i also know she's testing boundaries to see what she can get away with. 'if i puke, she won't make me stay.' well no, it doesn't work like that. and i know as soon as i leave, she'll be fine. she told me so on friday when i picked her up.

so i take her to the bathroom, she's still upset but she's out of the room and she's better. it's like it's that room. it wasn't her classroom it was another one. it was amazing to me how the other kids were so fine with it. they didn't care. there were two other ones with mothers velcroed to their sides. i watched as the moms tried to rip themselves away without inflicting pain and suffering on their offspring.

when matilda's teacher walked in i stood up and went to talk with her. told her she was having a bad morning and then I started to get upset. no, i didn't puke thankfully but i could have! i tried to fight back the tears so matilda wouldn't see me upset and as we talked, her teacher said that she knew how i felt, she has an 11 week old she leaves at daycare each morning. then SHE was upset. and as we both look at each other with red, watery eyes, she said, 'we'll both be crying moms together.' and i told her we had to be strong for the kiddos. and we both laughed. i did tell her that i think matilda is more calm when she sees her there. so i'm thinking a drop off at 730 is the thing. cause that's when she goes to pick up her kids from the morning early care thing.

so then she walked matilda and the other kids into her classroom and i slipped out the other door. it was a narrow escape and not an easy one, once i was on the road i was met with traffic, traffic and MORE traffic. i mean worse than what i was used to with my hour long commute. i make my way down the street only to be met with a fender / bender in the right lane - which means, it's closed so EVERYONE merged into the left lane. once we were past that it was smooth sailing.

sooo - i'm hoping tomorrow is better. tears i can deal with, not easily mind you, but i can deal with them.... the self inflicted vomitting, not-so-much. not a big fan of that activity... never have been. give me a bloody finger cut or a nasty bruise - just please no puke or, *shudder at the thought* snot. sooo not a fan of that. and i'm a mother of a 4 year old... imagine that. =)

the school thing gets easier right? RIGHT? please say it does cause i don't know that my heart can take another week of the crying thing. it's sooo painful because she doesn't understand the benefits to her right now... she only sees mommy leaving her someplace she doesn't want to be. help me explain it to her... advice from anyone is always appreciated. =)

firsts

today was a first in many ways. matilda started school today. a BIG day for her. HUGE. we had a good dinner last night, i made her favorite meal. it was in fact, the first time she and i had been in our new home together in quite a while. so that was a big first for us together. and to tell you the truth, it was the first time it actually felt like home to me.

another first was when she fell asleep in my arms at 8:30pm. i had to slide my arm out from under her ever so carefully so as not to wake her up. she slept peacefully until 530am when i got up to shower. *note to self: don't close bedroom door all the way - it's LOUD!* she watched her favorite movie while mommy got ready for work, then it was her turn to get ready for her big day. she looked adorable and seemed very excited. until we got in the car. she got quiet. REALLY quiet.

we get to the school in record time which was nice and surprising. HIM said he was coming for the first day drop off so we waited for HIM's arrival. we all walked in together... i did shed a few tears when i was by myself in my car (still parked in the parking lot). matilda - shed more than me... which was the hardest part. she was all excited about everything - her clothes, seeing her little friend she met at the open house, seeing the other backpacks the kids were carrying... she was excited about it all. until we walked into the classroom. i walked in with her, i put her backpack in the cubby and put her extra outfit and lunchbox there as well. she was still doing fine. then it was time to get busy. that's when it happened. she grabbed HIM and refused to let go. i was a little mad cause if she were gonna latch on to anyone, i'd prefer it be me but whatever... anyway, i stood there rubbing her back and telling her how much fun she was going to have and how i couldn't wait to hear all about it. the other kids were already sitting in their spot so we were trying to get her over there with the others. i walked over there with her when she finally let HIM go...

she grabbed my thigh with BOTH arms and walked with me that way. she sat down on her name thingy and the teacher was talking to them about stuff and she turned toward the teacher and listened and then we sorta slid out the door. i poked my head in one last time before leaving to see how she was and she was still facing the teacher. the part that killed me was the outstretched arm towards me as i walked to the door. OMG that was painful.

i saw the admissions director as we were leaving and she asked how she did, i told her and then asked, 'you guys will call me if anything happens right?' 'OH YES OF COURSE! she'll be FINE don't worry - we're going to chapel now and that's always a nice way to begin the day. she'll be FINE!' *now you have to say that with a light british accent for it to sound right. =) *

sooo all in all it went well. as we were walking out, HIM and i chit-chatted a bit, i didn't really know what to say but the silence was awkward. it's hard to act aloof with someone you once slept with. i think he was looking at my butt when he was behind me. ;-) then we parted ways and said he'd call when she got out of school to see how her first day went, i said great and, i kid you not it sounded like he said 'love you'. now, i know he didn't... but it sounded like he did. you know how when a couple is out and are in two cars and you're going one way - he's going another and as you're both walking one shouts 'love you'... real quick like - well that's what it sounded like.

so i get into my car and i'm thinking - what did he just say? and i went over it again... 'did he say THAT?' noooo... must've been something else. HAD to be something else. THEN i started thinking - if he DID say that (which i know he did not) but if he DID, he must feel like an idiot. anyway - it was quite funny. to me only cause i know what was in my head. =)

all in all the morning was fine and it's almost 11am and no call from the school to tell me matilda has secluded herself in the bathroom and is refusing to come out. always a good day when you don't get THAT call.

so today after school... i'll pick up my parent's and we're ALL going to pick her up. then it's off to the store to pick out an 'i survived the first day of school' bath tub toy. i promised her one a while back so i figured today's as good a day as any to get it. plus it gave her something to think about for after school.

wonder if she'll get homework? =)

open house

well last night marked the official beginning of matilda's scholastic career. her school held their open house for the elementary school kiddos. it was fantastic!

matilda was nervous at the beginning. my parent's went with us - to give her teacher the once over i think, HIM showed up even which was sort of refreshing. matilda sat with me most of the time and then switched around to other laps in the group. we listened to the prinicpal give his welcome to the new year speech, which was really nice. he made some jokes which were oddly funny - HIM never laughed once - he's evil.

then we met the teacher. she is young (younger than me i think), very nice and patient. i guess that's key when you're teaching 4 year olds. =) we went into her classroom and we listened to her explain how she teaches and what not. it was really a neat experience. matilda played at one of the tables with two other kiddos we met earlier. i was so happy to see her play with them. at least on the first day she'll recognize their faces. one little girl is so chatty and friendly, i really hope they sit near each other... unless of course she's TOO much of a chatterbox. i can't have matilda getting marks for talking too much. =)

all in all the evening was great. HIM couldn't have pretended to care less, which was a bit frustrating, but i finally realized what his problem was... i was calling the shots - not HIM. and HIM doesn't like that feeling. i was coridal. i introduced him to the admissions director and to the other people i knew but HIM couldn't have cared less. would've been nice to see him TRY to enjoy the experience, for matilda at least. oh well.... maybe one day.

the big day is friday - i have lots of things planned for my matilda to hopefully make the day go by smoother. i'll let you know how it goes.

trust

i've discovered that i don't have much of this in my life right now. as a matter of fact, i'm not sure i ever did.

throughout my marriage, trust was something HIM never had in me. from the early stages in our relationship and up until the bitter end - he never had an ounce of trust in me. i noticed this early on but figured it was just his way of showing me that he cared about me... now i see the error in my thinking. when things got really bad, things got really bad. that's about the only way i can say it. i supported HIM in every endeavor he made, and believe me - there were many. yet, trust was something i couldn't find. or he couldn't find in me rather. and now, i'm struggling with finding trust in HIM.

a good friend recently told me that i needed to find a way to trust that HIM would be there to pick up matilda after school on time. you see, i've been battling things around in my head over matilda starting school and the big thing is the distance of the school in relation to HIM. i never gave this a second when selecting the school. this school was perfect in everyway for us. it is christian based, private, goes from pre-k thru high school and the uniforms are sorta cute. the location never crossed my mind. okay that's a lie, it did, but only because i knew he'd cry about it being far from him and 'how am i gonna pick her up and get her there when i have her?' well - that struck a cord with me because (again) i try to figure out how to ease HIM's burden, and at the same time, have a little benefit for myself.

i miss matilda when i don't see her. i call her each day and talk but it's not the same as seeing her. i figured i'd offer to meet at a halfway point to pick her up or drop her off with HIM after school. this would guarantee she'd be prepared for the day, dressed right and most importantly - i'd get to see her on days i normally would not. then i realized why this comforted me more than anything - it was because I would control the situation and wouldn't have to depend on HIM to do anything. that's it. plain and simple. i have no faith in HIM that he'll show up on time to pick her up each day. (apparently, it's the pick-ups that are HIM's problem, not the drop-offs).

what i envision on HIM's pick up day is me at home preparing my dinner while my sweet matilda is waiting for her daddy to pick her up. i can't do that. i just can't. if i'm 10 min from her - why can't i just go pick her up? a wise woman said to go and sit with her until he gets there but not to actually pick her up - a good idea but i don't know. i just don't know.

i need to get to a place where i can trust that HIM will put his child before anything else. and HIM has never done that. heck, i've never even been 1st place to HIM. not in 15 years and i expect my 4 year old to be 1st? she should be. she IS with me.

how do you trust a person who's main goal has been to better HIMself as opposed to being with his family? how can i find comfort in knowing that when she's with HIM she is what matters most? how will i know that HIM will make the effort to adjust his schedule to care for his daughter?

time will tell i guess. in the meantime, i'm just going to do what feels right for me - even if it does ease HIM's burden. matilda is the reason i do these things - and that's that.

now say a silent prayer that i survive the first day of school - which is this friday.

hiatus

i know i've been a stranger to my own blog, but really, i'm a boring person. sure i've survived the world's most boring 'date' ( and i use that word VERY loosely), i've battled a massive infection accompanied by blinding backpain (still enduring that part) and i've recently lost a friend at a very unexpected moment in time.

the last few weeks have been difficult with yesterday being the toughest thus far. i had known his wife for most of my high school life, although we didn't become friends until after graduation. (funny how that happens - as close as lyn and i are now, we didn't know each other in school - weird.) but i worked with her as she planned, planned and planned their dream wedding. i remember her telling me she was going to take a xanax and watch dwayne wayne and whitley's wedding on a different world and if she could make it thru THAT without crying, she'd be okay at her own wedding. they had been together for longer than i can even remember and i got to hear the story of she won him over. stuff high school movies are made from.

i am so proud of her strength and her ability to smile even when she knows she can't. seeing her last night made me realize how much more growth i have to do for myself. i can't imagine what she's going thru and wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

i got to visit with friends from high school, we gossiped and felt guilty about it the entire time but i honestly believe there is healing thru laughter. (even if it at some unsuspecting classmate's expense.)

another reason it was hard for me, and this is on a more personal / selfish note but i did grow from having gone thru this... is that this was the first event HIM and i have attended that we weren't attending as a couple. it was odd being in the same room with HIM and not even acknowledging each other. i know last night's event wasn't about us at all and i'm not making it into that, but what i gained from that was strength that i needed to get back. i faced many people who stood by him thru our divorce, supported him, shunning me - most of them took the high road and said 'hello', while others went out of their way to ignore me. it hurt, but i was touched by those who did speak to me.

what i realized about myself is that last night, for the first time ever, i stood on my own. without having to look for him and wonder who he was schmoozing while i entertained myself. i talked to people and reminisced with old friends. it was almost liberating.

my heart goes out to the incredible family who suffered this loss. they will live in my prayers forever.