farewell 2006

over the last several days, maybe weeks since i last blogged, i've been taking in all that is the holidays. my family has come in from arizona, matilda has been with me since december 26 and i'm beginning to lose my mind... or what's left of it.

i had a moment of fun when my gal pal, lyn, came up for a visit. matilda stayed with my family and we had a night out on the town. well, sorta. we were out late at night which was unusual for both of us but we survived. again, sorta. both of us got a little weirded out at one point over the time we were together. but in the end, the visit was fabulous and fun. i look forward to many more (minus the ickyness) in 2007.

as for me, well, the re-inventing will begin tomorrow. i have a new name, new goals and hopefully i'll add new relationships to the list as well. i've been thinking about my resolutions for '07 and haven't come up with anything yet. i always say i'll try to be more patient and less sarcastic, but who am i kidding? those are parts of me that i don't know i'll ever be able to change. and i think i handle those parts fairly well. i think anyway.

i plan to continue my search for happiness, self sufficientness (a word i might have just made up), being the best mom i can be for matilda and to take time out for myself anytime i get the chance.

life is short. we all know this but i'm not 100% certain we actually take advantage of knowing this. people always say 'live each day to the fullest' or 'live each day as if it were your last'. i think there's even a saying like 'live each day without regret' or something like that. well, something i'd like to do is to TRY and take this into each day. i'm not quite sure how at this point, but i'm hoping to figure it out along the way.

and yes, i'm well aware i'll have regrets even though i don't want them. like when i don't order a cheeseburger and opt for the low-cal grilled chicken sandwich.. or vice versa.

ch..ch..ch..changes...

so today marked the end of an era. the end of something i have called my 'own' for almost 12 years. the closing of a life i once had. yes, today i officially changed back to my maiden name and i gotta tell ya, i'm feeling very... strange about it.

it's funny because when i learned my attorney failed to capture this in my final decree i was pretty frustrated. when i found out she was making efforts to get it rectified, i was happy. i wanted it done... and now that it IS done, i feel oddly indifferent about it. i would think i'd be happy and ready to get all my documentation updated, but instead, i'm filled with 'why did i do this?' 'who did i do it for?' because i really don't know.

dont get me wrong, my dad will be sooo pleased i now have his last name and i'm honored to have it. but in the grand scheme of things, WHO am i? i remember in high school, i felt so nerdy and just invisible. i had my maiden name. when i got married, i feel like i really came into my own. discovered who i was and what i wanted for myself. but, discovering that has nothing to do with a last name right?

it's so new. i have to re-learn how to sign my NEW name. i have to remember to introduce myself in a new way. i've asked myself if i'm feeling this way because matilda will still have his last name while mine is different. i think that might be part of it. but again, why am i bothered by this? i have no idea. all i know is that i didn't feel the rush of excitement that i had hoped.

sooo, in 2 weeks i'll have a new social security card and can begin getting all my affairs in order, as they say on tv. i wish i knew why i was feeling this way. my dad told me that it's normal because this signifies the death of the marriage. like the divorce decree wasn't enough i guess. i don't know. maybe he's right. it's just a name right?

i've changed so much over the last several months, this is the icing on the cake i suppose. it's a nice way to start the new year too. new year, new name, new goals. hopefully... i can add 'new man' to that list as well. (and maybe another new name, perhaps.) =)

firsts...

last night i asked matilda to sign the christmas card i got for my parents. it's a kids card to grandparents and i found it only fitting that matilda sign her own name.

i can't tell you the last time i smiled quite that big. i watched my sweet little girl hold the pen with perfect form and carefully write each letter of her name. i was quite proud. in fact, i cried. not huge sobbing but simple tears of sweet joy and wonder that my very own angel knows how to not only SPELL her name, but WRITE it out. on paper... WITH pen! it was fantastic.

she then continued to write 'mommy' which sorta looked like 'momomy'. so there's an extra 'o' in there.. who cares! the card is so whimsical. she drew pictures. one of me with the cat on my head and one of her... now, in all honestly, these look like creatures one might see in a tim burton claymation movie, but they are one of a kind in that i don't think matilda will be able to re-create these images again. well, who knows really. maybe she will.

big night out...

yes folks, i had my first holiday party to attend as a single gal. and the funniest part of all.... i went with my parents. now before you get all 'omg you poor thing' on me, let me explain.

see, my mom and i work for the same company... different departments but we know the same circle of people. so when she got the invite and the event was on a night that i was matilda-free, i jumped at the opportunity to have a little fun. plus, i had two guarenteed designated drivers should i tie on a few too many beverages.

we get there, it's a party for an interior design company in town. i knew most of the people so i mingled pretty good. one of the first ladies i talked with says, 'so what's it like to party with your parents?' i was mildly amused because as i got ready to go, i asked myself that very question... my relationship with the parental units has changed greatly over the last few years. we're friends. we support each other no matter what. we have a great relationship. so that's what i said. she replied, 'i'm jealous.' made my night.

so as the evening progressed, i'm eager to see cute single guys... i meet up with an old friend jesus, who is more girly than i am, but he's so much fun. we checked out the men in the room and he informed me who was my type and who was his... most were his. it was an interior design firm you know.

by the end of the evening, i was the DD. mom had a few too many, as did my dad. so i drove us home. it's times like those that made me realize how great my parents are. and how much we rely on one another. they've been there for me when i needed them most and i always find ways to be there for them when they need me. granted i was only a chauffer, but still. they needed to get home somehow.

now starring...

MATILDA!!!

yes folks, she had her first EVER school holiday program last night and let me just say... i couldn't have been prouder of her.

now her class sang 2 songs. 'i saw mommy kissing santa claus' and 'santa claus is coming to town.' two songs she knows by heart... the girl didn't sing ONE word. nothing. she stood up on stage looking adorable and smiling as big as i've ever seen. and that in itself made me beam with pride. i took a gazillion pictures and am already planning how and where to display them.

the fantastic debut was capped off with a trip to mcdonald's. quite a full evening for the little star.

tis the season

yes, christmas time is upon us. and i'm ODing in the holidays. i've been listening to the nonstop christmas radio station since they started playing the festive tunes. (which was like thanksgiving day i think.)

my christmas shopping is done. i still need to find a few small things for matlilda to give my parents, but other than that, i'm done. thank goodness for black friday. nothing rings in the christmas joy than standing in line for 40 minutes to dash in the super center and buy stuff you think you're getting a good deal on. with total strangers who would cut you in a second if you snatched the last item. luckily the easy bake oven i was eyeing wasn't a hot ticket item so my life was spared when i grabbed it.

there's something about this time of year that is so very romantic to me. and it's weird for me to feel that way now that i have no romance in my life, but i still feel it. i hear these songs on the radio and the cold weather surrounding me outside... and it makes me hopeful that i will spend a future christmas with someone special. i know, i sound like a made-for-tv movie.

speaking of movies... 'ELF'! omg - that movie is my new holiday favorite. can't get enough of it. my parents think i'm nuts but, i'm sorry... when buddy screams that he knows santa, and freaks out when he hears santa is coming to the store... well, it's right up there with when grandma wraps the cat up for a present in 'christmas vacation'.

i'm going to my first holiday party next week. albeit with my parents, but it's a work party. sorta. a firm we do business with has a holiday party each year - free food, booze and fun. so i'm going. maybe i'll find a cute single guy to meet under the mistletoe. as if. i have another party the night after that one even. a friend at work has a holiday party at her house every year and last year it was so much fun. so i'm all geared up to go again. my close work friends will be there, along with other friends we all know. so it's sure to be fun fun fun.

so my holiday this year is shaping up rather nicely. matilda will have lots of goodies to open up and my distant family members are flying in to be with us for the first time in a long time. i can't wait.

tis the season, indeed.

achievements

as i was driving home tonight i realized something. i drove towards the city skyline and remembered the first time i had ever seen it. i was about 15 years old and on my first night trip to the city. (yeah, sad but true) we were going to a concert downtown and i had never seen the skyline shining in the nighttime sky. i saw it and was in awe. now i know i don't live in chicago, new york or seattle, where skylines are famous.. but here, it was where i wanted to be.

i remember seeing it and saying, 'one day i want to work in a building like that.' never thought much more about it after that. as we drove thru the city streets, i commented on how i'd love to live in the hustle and bustle of the city.

almost 11 years later... i am doing both. i work in one of those tall buildings and am proud of my accomplishments with my work. i also scored an awesome apartment 10 minutes from downtown. so each night (when the weather is a tad warmer) i open my shades and i can see the night sky and the planes flying over head on their way to the airport. now, i can't hear them, but they're up there. coasting in for a safe landing and it's amazing. every now and then i can see the spotlight from the tower a few miles away.

i know this sounds nuts, but for me it was eye opening. for the first time in my 34 years, i have realized, not one but TWO goals i set for myself eons ago. i might not have even realized they were goals back then, but i do now. the weirdest part of all this is that i feel safe and secure in such a huge place. it's almost like i belong here.