school days...

so yesterday i had my 'final interview' with matilda's school. i found it funny they use the word 'interview' when talking about visiting with ME... a customer. it's almost like they are interviewing me to see if they want ME to be a part of the school community. it's actually nothing like that at all. in fact - i love this place.

i wanted so badly to find a school that has a close knit atmosphere and i found it. i met with the principal, who looks alot like kurt browning the ice skater, and who is probably my age, if not younger - scary as that may be... i called him 'mr. so and so'... MR. after i said it i shuddered at the thought of addressing a youngster 'mr.' but he is in a position of authority. i secretly hoped it made him shudder as well. *evil laugh*

i also met with the admission director. she went over matilda's test in more detail and talked with me about the results. in particular she told me that matilda scored at the 6 year old level for alphabet identification. she went on to say that most kids matilda's age confuse 'z' and 'n' or 'w' and 'm'... see, 'w' is matilda's favorite letter. i say that only because when we'd do alphabet stuff, when we'd get to 'w' she'd shout...'DOUBLE YOU!!' it was cute. no way on earth she'd miss that letter. =) i was so proud of her. knowing all her letters at 4 1/2. she does need to do some work on prepositions apparently, but we can start working on that together.

there's also a summer reading program that i want to do. i can read to her and if we read all 12 books, she gets to attend a party hosted by the school's librarian. i need to get a library card - **mental note to search local libraries...**

anyway... *side note: i'm listening to xm radio... why did someone let paris hilton sing? now, granted it's not horrible... not really - but i don't for one second believe that is truly her voice. i assume it's been 'affected' by numerous machines, voice airbrushing stuff. sadly though, i will be singing this dreaded song for the rest of the day.* help me.

the price of vanity

i'm not a vain person but i have discovered i like to pamper myself... part of the deal i made myself when i burst onto the single life scene, was to do something for myself once a week... that was a new year's resolution that sorta faded away, but i brought it back to life when i discovered pedicures and manicures...

well, i had solar nails 'installed' (for lack of a better word) and decided last night - it was time to remove them. my typing at work became more difficult with the claws and let's not forget the pain of pinching my eyeball when removing my contacts. i actually saw a red pinch mark line beneath my iris the other day. not good.

so i go to the nail place - and tell them i want them removed. after listening to them try and convince me, 'i make them much nicer than before.' 'you keep them and i make shorter for you.' no no NO. i want them gone gone GONE. they caved and took them off... but not before i had my eyebrows shaped.

why oh why did i agree to the wax. last time they plucked them. this was much nice. sure the wax takes it all off in one swift pull, but while you're left with a nicely shaped arch, you've got tiny bumps to deal with. (if anyone knows a secret to getting rid of these things, please let me know... PLEASE??) so my brows are bumpy but shapely arches, nail time...

this place is all about timing. i got a girl at my feet doing my pedicure and one doing my manicure. now, since the nails need to be removed - it was more like a quest for nail freedom.

first, i soaked my fingers in nail polish remover. nice and drying for the skin... after that was finished, she gets this device, that resembled a plier but smaller, and began pushing my real nail down in order to move the solar nail stuff up. this hurt like nothing before. then it came time to introduce my nailbed to the pliers. they didn't get along so well. in fact - THIS hurt worse than the waxing AND the pushing combined. after about 20 minutes all 10 nails were free of the solar nail stuff and naked. and brittle. and soft. my once strong nails are like paper now.

i'm hoping in a couple weeks, they'll be stronger ( a bit anyway ) and she'll be able to file them into some sort of shape. right now, they're nubs. they are shells of the nails they once were. i regretted taking off the nails when i left the salon. but later that evening, when i was removing my contact, i rejoiced in the speediness with which i can now do this simple task. it was a good decision. a painful one, but a good one nonetheless.

oh and my toes are GORGEOUS! nothing says summer like a nice french pedicure. (complete with a tiny flower in the center of your big toe. =)

mama drama take 2

okay you remember the drama i blogged earlier about lex hanging up on me twice and me freaking out as to why... well a week ago - while HIM, matilda and the girlfriend and her daughter were whooping it up disney style, i get the following call... from HIM no less.

me: hello?
HIM: lex got visited by CPS today because a single mother alleged her daughter was touched inappropriately by lex's son... was it you?
(yeah, no hello, hey it's me.. just this rambled question.)
me: what?! no... what?
HIM: repeat previous statement adding brief description of allegation with ages, dates and specifics... ending with 'they think it was you.'
me: NO IT WAS NOT ME!
HIM: well they think it was. CPS pulled all the kids and talked to them, talked to the parent's, they had to leave work to pick up they're kids, lex is all upset, she could lose her kids.
me: it was NOT me. don't you think i'd call you? i called you when she got mad at me... does this have to do with the other day? I haven't spoken to her since then.
HIM: well that's why they think it's you. cause you all ended on bad terms.
me: it was HER TERMS! i didn't end it - lex did! it was not me. i don't even think YOU believe me.
HIM: i do. (he didn't i could tell.)

anyway - we ended things by him saying he'd call lex's house and tell her it wasn't me - can you believe this.... omg - i was so mad. still am and it's been about a week since this went down. anyway - an hour passes and i decide to call him back to see if he found out anything.

me: hey, did you talk to lex?
HIM: no, but i talked to her husband. i told him it wasn't you.
me: i can't believe i'm being profiled because i live in the same city as the accuser. it was not me. do you think i'd leave matilda there for a year if it was me? i wasn't a single mother last year and i certainly didn't live where i live now to file it here.
HIM: yeah i know. lex is on her way to another parent's house who they think it might also be.

as we hung up i'm thinking - there are two people they THINK it might be? anyway - the transcript is the short version cause i don't wanna bore with all of it. this is the basics. i've been slandered all over my old stomping ground by an insane woman who thinks i'm the lowest of the low, a person who would make a totally false accusation on a CHILD just because his mother hung up on me ... twice. i have NEVER. i was shocked - still am in fact.

lyn has coached me on this situation and i'm following her advice like i always do. it's good to have friends who think rationally when you can't. and to be honest - i seldom think rationally. lyn can vouch for me on that one. =)

anyway - i did check the daycare registration site and no such allegation has been logged. so i'm not sure if that means, it's not up for public viewing or it didn't really happen - or if it means anything at all. at any rate - it's not there. not yet anyway.

me time

matilda has been with her dad for the past week and will be with him this week too. it's part of his summer visit hooplah. so what did he plan for his time with his daughter... why he took her to disneyland! yeah. you heard me... disney. land. yes i'm bitter.

you see this was the vacation i always wanted to take. of course i wanted to fly there, not drive like they did, but this was MY dream vacation. he never wanted to go of course... always wanted to do the florida thing with his work friends - you know, rent a house, drive to florida and hang by the beach for a week. fun - but it's no disneyland. disneyland is the happiest place on earth! why the magic kingdom is sacred. it's matild's first time there and he knows it - and HE got to see her all excited. my only calming sense is knowing her 4 year old mind won't remember this 2 or 3 years from now, so i'll take her when she's older and it will stick with her forever.

they didn't go alone either folks. oh no... they went with his girlfriend and HER daughter. let me clarify ... his LIVE-IN girlfriend. yeap. see i didn't know she moved in until a recent chat with my gal pal lyn (who has all the dish, thank GOODNESS). anywho... yeah - she moved in.
wanna know how i found out.. well i'll tell you how i found out...

lyn and i are chatting the day i dropped matilda off at her dad's... i cried as i drove away - he never saw me of course, but i sobbed on my drive back to lyn's. anyway... she asked me if i was okay and i was, asked if i was okay about the trip... i was - for matilda - i know she'll have fun.. i said that i was a little concerned about sleeping arrangements. here's when i found out.. lyn looked at me - with a serious look and said, 'well she's LIVING there what do YOU think?'. i said, 'what?'. yeah... apparently the gossip mill (ie my old neighbor) spilled the beans to reliable sources which got to lyn and then got to me. i can't say i'm surprised... but i am. i wonder about this woman and how she treats my child. does matilda have to compete with her daughter? where is matilda and her daughter sleeping? where is this woman sleeping? i feel sorry for her in that sense, but i digress.

do i have the right to ask to meet her? i mean, she IS spending most of my child's time with her father (did that make sense at all?) i just wonder if i should ask to meet her. just to say hello and size her up. for matilda's sake. yes for mine too. i need to see what she looks like. to see if he traded up so to speak. she's probably some legging blonde. i'm neither leggy nor blonde - quite the opposite in fact. oh well - he's her problem now i guess.

anyway - my me time hasn't been too eventful. well - i did have an intersting conversation with HIM, which i'll post in another blog entry. trust me - this one is long enough for a novel i think...

i've started moving some small things into our new place. i dropped a box on the floor and was certain mr. heckles would come hobbling up to yell at me again, but he didn't. thank goodness. i figure his damn tv is so loud, i've at least got something to bargain with. =)

anyway - i see matilda again on monday - i can't wait. i've talked to her a few times since they left and i plan to call tonight again to say hello and find out about her adventures. wish i had an adventure of my own to share, but sadly i do not. perhaps i'll create one before i pick her up. i'll have to work on that one.

movin' on up...

to a deluxe apartment on the second floor... ABOVE A MEAN OLD MAN!!!

seriously, the first day we get the keys, the parents, matilda and i go to check out our new digs... we get in there - wide open spaces from side to side... matilda goes nuts. running around - having fun... my mom joins in while my dad and i go to check my mailbox - just junk really but it's mail nonetheless.

anyway - we're all up there sitting around and i get a knock at the door. now, everyone who knows where i live is sitting next to me so i'm a little nervous as to who it could be... it's mr. heckles. i really don't know his name (don't care to) but if you watched 'friends' and i'm betting you did, you know who mr. heckles is.

he proceeds to tell me, the SECOND the door is open, how loud the 'banging' was. how horrible the 'herd of elephants' were and how 'his tv was jumping so it was pretty bad.' i apologized and told him that my daughter was just excited to be in her new home and was running around... he continued on and on. i finally apologized one more time and then shut the door. can you imagine that. now i love old folks. i worked in a retirement community for 3 years and loved every second i was there... i get along well with everyone - but this guy was just mad at the world and i was his outlet. i'm not taking that... not from a grumpy old mr. heckles.

i called the apt office the next morning to let them know my version before mr. heckles had a chance to tell them i had hell's angels over for a romp, which interrupted his lawrence welk viewing.... she told me to not give it a second thought and that she's 'well aware of him.' a bad seed i'm guessing. lucky me...

mothers... UNITE!!

okay - so there are somethings i've been thinking about and i really feel if i were to spread the word... perhaps something could really happen.

why not make liposuction MANDATORY with all childbirth deliveries. come on ladies... i can't possibly be the ONLY mother on earth who loathes shopping for the ULTIMATE pair of jeans or, *gasp* a bathing suit... anyway... yes, i feel strongly about this. it's not merely a cosmetic procedure - okay well maybe it is. but i'm sure we can find SOME sort of justification to get this done...

now - for moms of c-sections... i speak from personal experience, mind you... with each c-section, not only do i suggest mandatory liposuction but also, a tummy tuck. how many of you c-section moms out there love to see you fantastic scar grinning up at you as you slide into your clothes each morning? anyone? didn't think so. not only are we reminded of our motherhood-dom each time we hear, 'MOMMM come check out this cool bug..' or 'MOMMM come kill this creepy bug!', we're also reminded by a scar AND a nice little 'pocket' of dead tissue that will never go away. NEVER. GO. A. WAY. I have done crunches til i can no longer lift my head, i've done push ups til i can no longer push UP, hand weights, stair climbing... adjusted my eating habits yet i'm still destined to have a kangaroo belly with an eyebrow.

i just hope the next man i find can look past this eyesore and into my soul to see how truly perfect i am. ;-)

mama drama

i know we all have dramatic moments in our lives of being a mom, that's expected... but what i'm about to vent about could take a while...walk with me will you...

matilda has been in a private in-home daycare program since she was about 6 months old. the caregiver, i'll call her 'lex' to protect her identify although it's not necessary, has been fairly reliable however within the last several months she's had a number of 'issues' leaving me, along with 6 other moms, without childcare.

i realize sons get sick, daughters have court dates because they're a troubled youth, i realize cats die and time off is expected. i realize that adults get sick and that a simple sniffle and scratchy throat constitutes strep and/or pneumonia and an immediate trip to the physician is required... i get that. bigtime. but it's just me. i have no husband who can say, 'sure dear, i'll pick up matilda so you can stay at work thru 4pm.' nope - i have to leave work an hour before she needs me to so i can get there in time.

last week she was showing signs of wigging out on me so i began to prepare myself. sure enough i get a call at 9am on tuesday asking if i can be there at 230p so she can go to see her doctor. knowing full well i couldn't say 'um no i have a full time job that i need to be HERE to do.' i said okay. which means i leave here at 130 to be THERE by the 'agreed upon' 230 time.

now, when i got there, she was speaking with another mom on the phone, didn't really acknowledge i was there... i greet matilda, gather her bag and ask lex to call me to let me know how she's doing after her appointment. at 415 i got the call, and the news (which i already knew) saying she wasn't taking kids the next day. now, keep in mind folks i pay her - i get recepits - she claims the money on her income tax - she's licensed. she's not a friend doing me a favor. so essentially, i'm her employer and she's 'calling in sick'. except she's my ONLY employee and i've got no one to delegate her 'duties' to... so i make arrangements with HIM for an early morning drop off since the next day was his day... fine and dandy.

cut to yesterday. i've been burned once before assuming she was well after a few days off and would be back 'at work' monday morning - only to call sunday evening to find out, no she wasn't. so yesterday i called her BEFORE i left my parents house (no sense in driving an hour home for no reason). i called her cell first... left a message checking to see how she was and if she'd be working tomorrow. i then called the house thinking maybe her phone was off. she answered and gave a curt 'hello.' i gave her my normal chipper greeting, asked how she was feeling which was met with a VERY flat, 'i'm okay.' some silly banter was exchanged and then i asked the big question...'do you think you'll be able to work tomorrow?' you would have thought i asked if she could loan me a million dollars...'um no, i don't think i'll be working tomorrow.' click. yeah - hung up on me. so i waited a second.. shook myself out of my shock and called back. she answered again. i said, 'hi it's me i guess my phone must have cut me out. sorry. i understand you'll be not working tomorrow but i'd like to iron out my week' she cuts me off, 'what do you mean 'iron out your week?.' i said as calmly as i could, 'well i need to make sure that i have someone to take care of matilda while i work.' again an interruption, 'yeah, well i'm sorry i'm such an INCONVENIENCE to you.' i, shocked as all hell, began to scramble for the right words... i said, 'um, lex this beck, i'm not sure where this is coming from.' her: 'well i think you're being very rude to me.' me: 'me being rude?' her: 'yeah.' me: 'i'm sorry you think that, i just thought i should call you ahead of time instead of showing up at 6am to then find out you weren't able to work.' her: 'well thanks for being so thoughtful.' click. to paint an even more elaborate picture, my voice was shaking because i couldn't believe the things i was hearing. i was hurt, shocked and for some reason, afraid... it showed in my voice and she was as calm as a hanibal lector before slashing those guards to death. i kid you not.

now i ask you - what the HELL was that? i shed a few tears over the pure drama of it all and the fact that i need to go to work, i didn't want to burden my parents by asking if they could watch matilda for me and for being stupid enough to think that it mattered what this nutjob thought or said to me.

i called HIM to give him an update, telling him i wasn't taking matilda back there and he would need to find someone to keep her during his summer visits. i've always thought she was a little 'off' but she was so great with the kids and very alert about their well-being. but yesterday, i can honestly say that i have NO idea who that woman on the phone was. it was surreal almost. i've spoken to this woman everyday since matilda was an infant... and yet, yesterday - she was a stranger.

so i have no idea what happened, what i did (nothing that i know of) or what will happen. i plan to send her a check for last week and include and 'official' letter terminating the services. i won't use language quite that harsh, but that'll be the jist of it.

i tell you what - it's crazy. i'm sorta glad she doesn't know where i'm moving to - cause the woman on the phone yesterday would probably hunt me down.

music...

*disclaimer: the blog below has been updated with song lyric links that actually WORK.* =)


...makes the people... come together... okay i never really liked that song much but it is true.

i have come to find that i adore music. all kinds. i think it'll make a basis to a great date greeting or pick up line one day. as if.

i own one the of the greatest creations known to man... the ipod shuffle... and i have to say - i have definently identified with life thru music.

for example...

'i could not ask for more' by edwin mccain (or sara evans for you country fans) is the song i want my future boyfriend / husband / lover to dedicate to me one day.

'i will survive' by gloria 'get down' gaynor is the anthem for all women (i think anyway).

'last dance' by donna 'disco' summer is my ultimate kareoke song choice.. should i ever be drunk enough at a bar to sing to strangers - this would be the song i choose.

'true' by ryan cabrerra (yes, kinda teeny music but trust me - beautiful song) is a song that i would like to play for my future boyfriend / husband / lover.

'single' by natasha bedingfield... she must be like in my head cause her songs 'unwritten' was the first one... and now this one - totally me.

there are so many others out there but i've wasted enough of your time with these.

enjoy music - and create a soundtrack for YOUR life.

birthday girl

happy birthday to me (i can't believe i'm 34)
happy birthday to me (isn't that like, middle aged)
happy birthday to MEEEE (take away the grey hairs)
happy birthday to me (why do my eyes look tired)

yes indeed - today is my birthday. 34 years old. thirty four. no, not 24, THIRTY FOUR. good gracious - soon i'll be moving into another age bracket on those survey things. you know how they have the ages grouped 18 - 24; 25 - 34; 35 - 40.... i hate that. it's all about profiling. =)

today has been a nice day. it's been a nice year actually. well, i mean despite the divorce, moving to a new place (which i'm getting ready to do), finding a school for matlida (which is stressful for me more than her) and all the while trying to find out who i really am. that doesn't sound like a hard thing to does it? trust me - it is.

i've spent most of my adult life pleasing other people. my parents, my then husband, my child... never me though. it's all because i seek acceptance and approval. i've identified that even now. it's like i need someone to tell me it's okay for me to get the dining room table i want. i can't just accept the fact that i like it, i want it, i can afford it... nope - i need one other person to say it's okay to get it. why is that? and more importantly, how do i stop from doing it?

who knows really. right? i mean, i guess i could just look at it from a 'wanting other's opinions' standpoint. oh and to make matters a bit worse on the subject... i find out today that i have to notify HIM, the county clerk AND the state of my pending relocation... 37 miles from where i am currently residing. i understand this is all part of the deal, but good gracious - it's like i need permission to relocate almost.

i found out my name change didn't get included in the final decree. so now, i have to do some prolunk funk thing with my attorney, file it and send it to HIM - as if HE'S going to sign off on it... which all equals more attorney's fees for me. something i was MORE than happy to have no more of.

anyway - i digress. i'm just rambling. a good friend of mine is in dire straits with some private things. i care so much for her and i don't know how to help her thru the tough times. i know she knows i'm here (and if you happen to be reading this, you're reminded again) but sometimes i feel like i don't enough for her. she's been with me thru all my drama and i kinda feel like i'm just a goofball who tries to make her laugh when she's down... but i don't seem to show my ability to just listen. sometimes that's all people want. they don't want solutions, don't want suggestions... just someone to listen to them.... to HEAR them and understand and/or acknowledge.... well i can do that. i WANT to do that. i WILL do that. just let me know when and where.

i think i'm in a little funk myself. i shouldn't be, but i'm filled with self doubt for some reason. i'm hoping it's just growing pains. ;-)

'burnt toast'

yes, i read it. teri hatcher's new book... i read a bit on it in a recent 'people' magazine and was intrigued by what she said. 'burnt toast'.. do you eat it? scrape off the burnt and try to make it better? smother it with jam to hide the bad taste? the message was simple yet profound (for me anyway)... by eating burnt toast it's like putting myself second. i don't deserve things that taste good. and i did that. most all of my life. not only did i eat burnt toast, i WAS burnt toast. well after reading that book - i'm making small steps towards putting myself first (except of course where matilda is concerned - she's first all the time)... but even then... i go back to what a wise friend once told me when i was going thru alot of serious drama... 'matilda will only be okay when she sees that her mommy is okay.' or something like that anyway. and it's true. it's so very true.

i've often wondered what matilda must think of me in terms of emotions... because i've tried so hard to not cry when i'm stressed, upset or hurting (emotionally). I did cry when elliot was sent home on american idol and she acted as though she had no idea what i was doing. that sent a message to me right away. she NEEDS to see me go thru emotions more often. i just hid that side because i thought i was doing her a better service by no letting her see me upset.. but in reality - i think i did more harm than good. she needs to know that when times are tough - it's okay to cry and learn and become stronger from whatever experience brought those feelings to you. and i'm working on that.

'burnt toast' made me feel like a normal women. i identified with most everything she said in the book... both divorced, close in age (she's older, tho not by much), single by choice and mothering young daughters. the book was filled with witty takes on most every situation you can think of and it made it fun to read.

i've learned that i'm the one suffering by not taking time out for myself. a good example is not using my favorite body cream in the mornings because i'm in a hurry... what hell could break loose in the 3 minutes it takes to do that simple, yet fufilling task? none - that's for sure. so now i make it a point to take those 3 minutes whether i have them to spare or not... (i'm still working on that actually.)

one thing that absolutely cracked me up was a part near the end of the book where she's talking about having control over your actions... she told a st0ry about how she always wondered what would happen if, when she turned on the garbage disposal with her left hand, her right hand took control over her brain and shoved itself into the running disposal... now - it's kinda gross to think of but I have thought that very same thing! what would happen? I'VE DONE THAT... well not literally (i've never actually shoved my hand down a running disposal) but the thought of doing it...oh yeah. and why - i have no idea but teri hatcher has thought about it too so apparently, if i'm twisted - well so is she... =)