what a difference a day makes

... okay so make that a year. today i celebrate 35 years on this earth and with that, i thought i would reflect on the many things that have made up the last year of my life. and sprinkle in some of the things i hope to discover this year.

this time last year i was freshly divorced and actually wondered if my ex would say 'happy birthday' to me... yes, i was THAT dillusional. he didn't in case you were wondering. =) i wasn't sure if i would be able to survive on my own, was VERY afraid of raising matilda by myself and wondered if i would go insane in the process. but over the last several months i have discovered, or UNcovered many things about myself that were always there, i just didn't realize it.

i CAN take care of myself AND matilda and have a pretty good time in the process. she has 'graduated' from pre-school and shows no signs of needing a therapist anytime soon. (not yet anyway.) we have had our ups and downs but the ups are so wonderful and the downs are so minimal that we don't even focus on those. i've learned alot from her and i've learned a great deal about myself as a mother. i have come to accept the fact that my sweet little girl doesn't like ANYTHING girly. is NOTHING like me, doesn't look too much like me, but yet, has her moments when i think to myself, 'you are DEFINENTLY MY child.' she is clumsy just like me, she has gestures when she talks much like me and her hair, as unruly as it is, is much like mine as well. she might not be girly like me, but she is still my sweet little girl.

this past year i've gone thru alot of changes. one of the most difficult was the loss of my 'mum'. i refuse to call her my grandmother because i never called her that. she was and always will be 'mum'. it was a time that we all knew would come but hoped it would be later rather than sooner. but i do now know she is in a MUCH happier place and she is a beautiful now as she was when she met my 'pap'. they are together once again and i know they are both complete. it was hard to say goodbye and let go, but her memory lives with me everyday. i think of her each day either when i wake up or when i go to sleep. more often i do or say things during the day that mum always did or said. 'bunches' was a word she used all the time. 'love you bunches'. i have adopted that saying. and no one could hold onto a napkin or tissue longer than mum. well, i have always done this and never really knew why until one day in the hospital. she was holding onto a rather tattered tissue. so even though she is no longer with us, she will always be with me.

i overcame some fears that had been deepset for MANY MANY years... one of which was the fear of flying. back in may, i had the pleasure of going to fabulous las vegas with some work friends. the trip was something i was looking forward to and something that made me extremely nervous. a) i was flying alone. b) i had an entire day to myself IN las vegas. c) i wasn't sure if i'd ever actually FIND my friends (they can be rather flakey). and d) well it was las vegas - that alone makes me nervously excited. i battled the flight with a bit of anxiety - it was quite bumpy, befriended a flight attendant who was very charming and made my nervousness disappear as best he could. i also endured a rather lengthy one-sided conversation with a passenger who LOVED to talk about himself. reminded me of my ex. i indulged him at first and then got bored with him and focused on my book. a girl can only take so much, you know.

the trip was fantastic. i took a tour to the grand canyon alone. i boarded a tour bus with a bunch of strangers and enjoyed the solitude and newness of the situation at hand. i was nervous merely because i was alone and not sure of what to expect, but as soon as the bus left, i had come into my own. armed with my ipod and book, i escaped for a while and found myself gazing out the window. it was the most peaceful trip i had ever taken. upon arrival to the canyon, i was speechless. the grand canyon is truly one of the most beautiful places one can see. when i got off the bus, i found a nice rock and claimed. i turned on my ipod and just sat there for 10 minutes or so... and took it all in. the colors were the most beautiful shades i've ever seen. i actually cried at one point because i was so overwhelmed with many different emotions. truly a sight to see for everyone.

the main reason i chose this particular tour was to experience the famous skywalk. for a mere 25 bucks you can walk this creation and test your fears... for real. so i did it. i was scared to death but it was something i just HAD to do. and i'm so glad i did. for me it was a once in a lifetime opportunity. i might make it back again, but i might not and i wanted to experience all i could. i walked on the glass walkway and peered down into the raveen (spelling not so certain) and wondered how far down it actually went. it was truly something. i stayed out there for about 10 minutes... not so long at the very middle of the walkway, but long enough to see out into the canyon. if you ever get the chance to visit the grand canyon west, i highly recommend a visit on the skywalk. you won't soon forget it.

yes, 34 brought me alot of experiences and 35 is already proving to do much of the same. in july i will take my first EVER cruise. i'll be going with some very good friends and we shall cruise to cozumel, mexico. am i nervous? sure. never been on a big boat before. am i excited? you bet! i can't wait to get on a big boat. i'm hopeful this will be the first of many cruises i will take in my lifetime. i will let you know.

you've heard me talk about 'cute dad' at matilda's school? well, contact has been made official. we visited at our children's pre-school graduation and started a friendship (or something anyway)... we emailed each other back and forth and on day two, he invited me to lunch. it was very nice and there were no weird gaps in conversation. he was interested in me as much as i was in him. we talked about different things, travel, children, family... normal stuff. when it was over he said it wasn't long enough. he left for europe 2 days later (for work) and said he'd call when he returned. we shall see. he did call me from the airplane the day he left - that was quite impressive i thought - considering they don't like you to use cell phones on planes. i'll let you know how it goes.

all in all, 35 has started out to be great. i have wonderful friends who support me when i need it and who aren't afraid to slap me into shape when i need that too. so much about me has changed from the clothes i wear, the food i eat and the music i listen to. i have become much more open to new things than ever before and i embrace as many opportunities to grow as i can.

so, happy birthday to me. you've come a long way baby.