tidbits

lots of fun stuff has been going on for matilda and me. we took a quick weekend trip away with my parents... did touristy stuff, silly stuff and had a grand old time. matilda is really coming into her own person. which makes me both happy and sad. she wanted to order her own food when we went to eat, my little girl is growing up too fast. but she's becoming less shy which i LOVE! maybe now she'll talk to my friends instead of cowering behind me.

one thing that was incredibly cute. we were out having breakfast one morning and had to make a visit to the potty... well, my matilda loves music just like her mommy and so as we're in the stall, she's singing, 'fly me to the moon... let me play among the stars...' and i sing along with her and she's just happy as a clam. my mom later told me that there was a lady waiting who was just smiling away at us. it was fun. my baby girl loves her some frank sinatra!

i've become a master at using a flat iron on my hair. yes, the heat isn't good, but i've got stuff to treat it. and i like the straight styles better than the crazy curls. especially in this humidity. so for now... i have smooth, sleek, straight hair. ooh la la.

that's about it. life is good. can't complain. matilda will be with her dad this weekend and i'm trying to figure out what to do with myself. the weather is supposed to be incredible, but being outdoors minus your kiddo seems silly to me. i'm thinking i'll take my book to my parent's and just sit out on their patio and read. at least i'll be outside enjoying the weather. that's my goal this weekend. be. outside. doesn't matter what i do, just be outside of the house.

i'll let you know how it goes.

surprises, shocks and good ole fun..

okay - so it's been a while since we last talked (i seem to say that alot these days don't i?) sorry... anyway - remember my friend that i recently found... well she and i talked on the phone for FOUR hours. yes indeed. from 9pm until almost 1:30am! i was soo surprised because i as tired as we both had to be, we probably could have kept on talking for 4 more hours. we talked about everything under the sun and then some.

she and i have gone down similar paths in life - with some differences of course. we're planning on trying to meet up at a halfway point one day soon. i'll keep you posted on how that goes...

so saturday, me, mom and dad were on our weekend outing - probably to eat someplace - YES it was... a fantastic sandwhich place - OMG- amazing... but i digress... my question to you is this... why do people do what should ONLY be done behind closed doors, completely void of any other people... in their cars at stop lights? why? people can SEE them.

picture this... we're driving along, talking about random silly stuff and we hit a stop light. i'm in the back seat, dad is driving and mom is in the passenger seat. dad and i are like clones of each other (which is weird but true). we look at other people and instantly point out the weird factor. mom doesn't do it much, but today - she was in rare form. she comments on the strange woman behind the wheel to our left. dad and i look, this woman is clearly insane. she's alone in her car, twisting her hair (which is perfectly normal because i DO that), but she was also talking to herself. not singing along with a radio or cd, talking to herself WITH hand motions. so maybe a better statement is that she was having an arguement with herself. what happened next STILL shocks me.

mom looks away and dad and i are still mesmirized by her actions - and then it happened. her forefinger went up the nose.... then into her mouth. i. kid. you. not. now, i have to say i have never seen any one person - over the age of 4 - do this. but she did... AND she did it more than once! the second time, she actually LOOKED at her 'prize' before devouring it. what kind of person is that? OMG - we were mortified that a) someone her age would do this and b) in public open view of other people. her windows were NOT tinted. people COULD see her. OMG OMG OMG. we all three screamed out in terror as we witnessed this grotesque display. it took literally all day to get the vision out of my head. it's still there though. i'm considering therapy.

tag i was 'it'...

okay so my friend lyn tagged me in her blog... so here goes ...

from: 'being ok just isn't enough: the power of self-discovery' by doris wild helmering

"on the opposite side of those who are caught in the past are those who think only of the future. it's always the next paycheck, the next deal, the next sexual experience, the next purchase, the next golf game. they're so caught up in what they think is going to happen next that they miss out on the present."

i have no one to tag. no one reads my blog but me and lyn... so if you are a passer-by and feel like playing - leave your 'tag' item in the comments with a link to your own blog. and thank you for playing.. bye bye

in all honesty, i've had this book in my bookcase for months and i haven't read it yet. having done this tag thing though, it's next on my list. of course - 'next' is a negative word in the passage above. maybe i should just do it now. =)

well, well, well...

how things change in a few days.

since we last 'talked' i have done many things.

1) the long, lost friend i mentioned earlier - was in fact HER! we've emailed a dozen times to catch up, basically, we have been down similar paths with our relationships, she's still in hers, but not entirely thrilled to be. we have a phone visit planned for tomorrow night. i can hardly wait.

2) i debated switching jobs. another opportunity presented itself, i was offered the job but i turned it down. wasn't what i wanted for myself. it was a bit more money, but the work just wasn't what i wanted to do. instead, i've worked with my boss and the VP here to expand my role in this department, which should take me down the road i want to be on and hopefully, boost my wallet at the same time.

3) as recent as yesterday, i battled HIM over matilda. he informed me that she would be late to school friday because he had to work and it wasn't acceptable to me. it was the straw that broke the camel's back, as they say. the debate took place on e-mail, but my point was made. i said many things i needed to say, things i should have said long ago actually, but i said them. in the end, i won. which made me feel good. the point made was that HIM's job took priority over matilda and her schooling. the only solution was she be late so he could work. now, for those of you who don't know HIM's line of work, he takes call - and has always taken call for his job - in times when other parent's needed time off for child related outings, he'd take it for them. well, now it's THEIR turn to do the same for HIM. all he had to do was ask. so that's what i forced HIM to do. i could tell from his responses to me that what i said, struck a chord with HIM. and i'm glad. it's time i said the things i said. i never strayed from what was important, matilda, her schedule and her school. being late isn't good. i don't want her walking into an already 'in progress' activity an hour late. it's not acceptable. and i told HIM so. i still can't believe i won and yet, for some weird reason i feel like i lost something. i have to get over that and realize i did what i did, and said what i said, in support of matilda.

so - it's been an eventful week for me. shed some tears, good and bad ones, learned about myself, good and bad things and found a friend i wish i had never lost. only place to go is up i think!

heaven

nope, not a post about the song by bryan adams, although it is a sweet love song indeed. no this post is about something different.

last night, instead of watching my usual big brother show, i watched a movie. 'five people you meet in heaven.' it was recommended to me by a friend and i thought, i'd check it out. i will be honest, the first 4 people he met, were sorta long, drawn out and didn't do much for me, but person number 5, while predictable, was still very moving for me. i think it was the overall message that moved me.

you see, each person created their own heaven to spend eternal life in. some chose a tropical paradise while another chose a common diner. this concept was very powerful to me. imagine - choosing your own heaven.

i sat there, crying at the entire message. i think it's a different message for each viewer. after the movie had ended i began to wonder... 'who were the 5 people my grandfather met in heaven? all the people he loved were still here.' 'what was his heaven like?' i sobbed for a bit longer and then asked myself, 'what would MY heaven be like?' what would i choose to spend eternal life in. sephora (my favorite store) ... surely not. that's heaven on earth for me. i don't know what i would choose.

perhaps a cool sunny day in a park where you can hear the laughter of children as they roll down hills and swing on swings. or maybe i'd be surrounded by mountains and soothing waterfalls. or perhaps my heaven will be something i have yet to see. with people i have yet to meet.

i imagine if heaven is what you choose it to be, people are happy in their element. be it snow-capped mountains, deserted islands or deer filled woods - heaven could be what you created. it's amazing to think about.

the movie was rather long... longer than i think it needed to be, but at the end i realized what it meant... our journeys are different. no two people will have the same 5 people nor the same journey in life. and as i sit here typing this post, i still get misty eyed at the thought that maybe one of my 5 people will be my 'pap' who i lost when i was 10 years old. maybe i'll find him once again. someday, hopefully later than sooner.

lost friends

yesterday i mailed a letter to who i hope is a long lost friend of mine. we were inseperable for most of our middle school lives up until she moved to mississippi the summer of our freshman year of high school.

i had been searching off and on on-line for many years. you know entering her name in search boxes hoping something would pop up with maybe an address or phone number... anything to get reconnected with her. well i had no luck. not the free luck anyway. sure i could find out the value of her home for $49.95 but i just wanted an address to send a letter. well i struck gold when i mentioned this to a work friend and her husband was able to find out information based on information i had. so... i was able to get her address.

i spent a bit of time drafting the letter. i wanted it to be a bit personal but not too much because what if this ISN'T my friend but a crazed lunatic. my street address is on the envelope after all. so i was sorta vague, but i did give my name, where we lived and when she moved. i included my email address and asked the reader to let me know one way or the other as to whether it's my friend or not. i figure, if it is, surely she'll email or write back (i hope) and if it's not, i'd like to know that the letter was received and that i still need to keep looking.

as i've gotten older i've come to appreciate close friends in ways i hadn't done before. when my friend moved away, i assumed we'd write and call forever. my mom and an old friend of hers still send christmas cards each year. i just figured that'd be the way things would be for us. but it wasn't. all of a sudden the letters just stopped. one of us decided something was more important than writing back. it could have been me. i took the friendship for granted. assuming it would always be there for me and up until i realized it wasn't, it didn't matter.

my life has gone thru so many changes since she and i spoke and i guess i would have liked to continue to 'grow up' with her like we did when we were younger. i've often wondered how she was, was she married, did she have children, was she happy, does she ever wonder about me... basic stuff. for two people to have been as close as we were it was hard to have the friendship just die one day. it's something i'll regret forever if i can't reconnect with her now.

the friendships i have now are very important to me. very precious and each one is very different from the other. i have friends at work who i confide career goals with, who i grumble with about deadlines because no one else will understand me. i have friends that i've known for years and now, somehow seem like strangers to me because our lives have shifted so differently. i have friends who i've KNOWN of for many years but didn't really get to know until a bit ago... and it's crazy to me that we weren't friends long ago. each one is unique and i think that's what life is all about. that's what people are all about. differences, uniqueness, and figuring out how we fit together.

i hope i get the opportunity to discover my old friend again. and soon. i hate to waste anymore time since we've already lost so much. almost 20 years to be exact.

self discovery

i have recently discovered that i might be a bit shallow. i never really thought about it until someone said something to me about shallow people. you see, i confessed to a guilty pleasure of mine - beverly hills, 90210 reruns on soapnet. i know, i know - tragic as it may be it IS fun to visit donna, david, kelly and dylan and see what hell they can go thru in an hour. god help them if it's a season brenda was there. =) when i confessed this secret of mine, i heard, 'i didn't think you were that shallow.' um, hello - i'm only WATCHING it. does that make me guilty by association? perhaps it does.

one of my favorite things to surf on the web is the infamous 'go fug yourself' blog. a friend sent me the link and it has been visited everyday since. i love it. it makes me laugh when i'm depressed, it makes me happy to see 'the beautiful people' look crazy at red carpet events. does this make me shallow?

i saw a picture of a certain celebrity in a magazine recently and fell instantly in love with her look. so i went on a mission to find a similar outfit (at a fraction of what SHE spent hopefully). i didn't rest until i found it. the dress was fairly easy to find, the shoes, on the other hand were not. i refuse to go into details about the outfit, because as i tried to explain it to another friend of mine, she raised her eyebrows in disgust and confusion - NOT a good combination. i did manage to find my shoes and will be wearing this fabulous outfit tomorrow. i'll let you know what people say. i think it's cute but perhaps it's not... we shall see.

what traits do shallow people have? i've never thought of myself as shallow and i'm pretty sure people who know me don't either... but what if i am? that's not who i want to be, nor is it who i want others to THINK i am.

i get my nails done, i spend more time getting ready than some women, i enjoy reading fiction novels that have no purpose and certainly won't make me any smarter... i love reality tv - most of it anyway... i love good music - pop, rock, r&b, anything... i think i'm kinda well rounded. sorta. maybe. just a bit.

i try to be a fun person. someone who always has something snappy or sassy to say. to make people laugh and have a good time. i'm caring, tender and loving when i'm with matilda. (and i hope to be that way with a significant other one day in the future).

i hear things people are doing to improve their lives, to pay attention to things taken for granted. i admire their courage to go thru that type of thing. it made me think about myself and things i take for granted.

perhaps it is simply me. i have taken myself for granted and along those same lines i have BEEN taken for granted. i never gave myself much credit for anything i did, anything i wanted to do or thought i should do. so now, i do those things i never did before. and if it makes me shallow - i guess i have to live with it. i refuse to let what others think of me control my actions. it's easier said than done, but it's something i try to do anyway.

there are days i don't like myself very much, days i wish i were taller, smarter, prettier, thinner - maybe i am shallow, but i do think we all have days like that. at the end of it all i want to be happy with who i am and the type of mom i was to matilda. she doesn't see these guilty pleaure trips of mine, those are things i do for myself, by myself.

i have no idea what prompted this post, but it had to be something. there had to be a reason for me to do some mental cleaning. it was getting sorta dusty up there.